Color Me Manual?

My brother was showing me how to drive a manual car today. One thing about it is being careful to make sure you are in the right gear or the car will stall or even cut off. That got me to thinking about my life. How often do I put myself in the wrong gear of being distracted or out of focus and then wonder why my life comes to a stand still or sputters? I am sad to say a lot. I need to focused. I need to be in the right gear for the speed I am needing to go. Sometimes life is faster and sometimes it slows down a little, but whatever the speed I need to be in the right gear to accomplish whatever I am being called to.

Color Me Blessed.

I have so many blessings in my life. I have a job that I can honestly say I love going to everyday, two amazing churches(one at home and one here), a wonderful family...the list goes on and on. God throws in incredible sunsets and phone calls from friends just because. I feel full to overflowing with love and blessings lately. My God is good. He was good when I did not have a job and He is good now. He is always good no matter what my life is like and I will forever worship Him.

Color Me Fluent.

So I am experiencing culture shock right now. I am already learning Korean from church and I am studying Greek and Hebrew to get a better understanding of the Bible and NOW I will be learning German because my new job is at a German restaurant. Wow, this is very exciting. God, give me the ability to absorb all of this knowledge and help me to be a light in this new work place. Help me to be Your hands and feet. Thank you Jesus for all of the blessings.

Color Me Obsessed.

And I don't mean about anything bad. I am obsessed with the Word. I have been reading more because I want to be able to share as much as I can with the girls in my Sunday School class and although I have read the Bible so many times, for the first time, it is coming alive! The words are leaping off the page at me and I am overwhelmed by the awesomeness of them all. I was reading about Abraham and how we have always placed him on this pedestal like his faith was so unobtainable for us, but dig deeper and you see Abraham acquired his rock solid faith through some very shaky, very unlikely, very painful times. He was beginning to doubt that God was going to fulfill his promise to him when God appears and says that He is Abraham's shield and he will be richly blessed. The first thing Abraham replied was " God what can you give me?" What?! God just promised him a son and to be his shield and many blessings and Abraham asked God what could God possibly give him because he was old and had no son? God showed himself to Abraham at that time and just like with Job, Abraham was satisfied. He was not satisfied with God's answer, but with God himself and it was then that his faith was built. Guys, when God shows up, we don't need answers. We may get some, or like Job we may not, when that happens, when you enter the presence of God you won't be looking for answers, He will alone satisfy you. Nothing else will matter. It doesn't mean we will never be afraid or never doubt. It doesn't meant that those things will disappear, but that they won't matter anymore, He alone will matter. Dig in guys, there are some beast stories in this Gem we have called the Bible.

Color Me Responsible.

Sunday school yesterday was awesome and not because I did any good teaching or even that my girls were completely responsive, but they blew my mind for sure. I asked them what they wanted to learn about most and to be honest, I expected them to say something vague or typical. Boy was I wrong. They responded "Can't we just learn the whole Bible? Like start at Genesis and learn the whole thing?" There is no words to describe my response in my mind. Haha! And now I have begun to try to begin this teaching of the whole Bible and this is my new response---- AAAHHHHHHH!!!! How to even begin? I began reading Genesis and there is much I do not even understand let alone know how to explain to young girls. Lord, reveal Your word to me. I am fumbling around in a sea of knowledge too lofty for me to obtain. Explain to me so that I can explain to them. I am so lost without You.

Color Me Distracted.

I think satan tries to get me with this more than anything else. It is the one thing that requires constant discipline. I am suffocated with distractions every minute. If it isn't thoughts it is emotions or memories or family issues or friends or worry or fear. I can't afford to be distracted. Being burdened is one thing, even being overwhelmed for others I can understand, but the other distractions I don't need. I don't want anything slowing me down, I don't want anything hindering me or disqualifying me. I want to run this race I have been given. I want to be faithful. I want to accomplish this awesome purpose I have been given. Lord, strengthen me with Your strength. I want to be consumed with Your desires. I want to keep my eyes on You because You alone are worthy and matter. Consume me with You Lord. Only You.

Color Me Raw.

I am in agony right now. I feel consumed and overwhelmed and burdened. I feel the weight of others on my shoulders. I feel their lostness, I feel their hurt, I feel their raw need. I have what they are looking for. Lord, ignite me with Your courage, consume me with Your passion, set me ablaze with Your desires. Break my heart every hour if that is what it takes for me to be diligent. Bring me to me knees every minute if that is what it takes for me to remember others. Carve Your longings into me. Open my eyes to see others as You see them. Make me more aware of the needs of others. Nothing less.

Color Me Challenged.

I was working on my Sunday School lesson this morning. I never knew how much work it could be and not just determining the right lesson for the age group you are working with, but making sure that my heart is in the right place the whole time. We studied quiet times last week and this week we will be expanding on Prayer. Now, I have to make sure that I am having a daily quiet time and keeping myself in prayer. I cannot ask of them what I am not living myself. Whew, talk about accountability. My girls need to know how important it is to lift up others daily in prayer and I feel the weight in expressing this to them. I feel that every word I speak and action is being not only noticed by them, but internalized. Scaryyyyy.

Color Me Reminded.

I was listening to Francis Chan today and I was reminded of our purpose and great calling. I am such a rich, selfish, self- interested sinner. I have more than half than world ever will. And I have the GOSPEL so I have everything! How can I complain about needing money? How can I say I am poor? How can I claim to be in need? How can I say I lack anything? How little do I make God in my eyes? Heart check guys. If you think you are in need take a look at how you view God. Take Him out of the box and off of the shelf you put Him in and stand back. Step back a little more, He doesn't do anything small.

Color Me Called.

It is 10:30 in the morning and God has already taught me a very important lesson. The people that are the hardest to love are the people most in need of love. The people that are unlovely and unlovable are the people that we need to pour love into because they need to know that such pure, selfless, no strings attached love exists, which if we are Christians we know it does. I have a friend who is very difficult to love. He is angry, bitter, hurt, and in desperate need of Agape love. He needs to know that such love is real. At first, it was easy to let myself not love him by saying he was rude, selfish and offensive. But then I remembered that I used to be rude, selfish, offensive, and unlovable. When all others could not love me because of how I was, Christ could and He did. He loved the unlovely and unlovable. He loved me. How could I not follow His call to love others the same? I was once them.

Color Me Humbled.

I had forgotten how humbling it is to be searching for a job. I think when we have one we forget what it was like before we did. We forget the nervousness of interviews, the uncertainty of when God will answer our prayer, the fear of being told no. I am glad I am being subjected to this stage again because it is a good reminder to stay humble and to trust God even when He doesn't provide how we ask or when we ask, but in His perfect timing. Keep teaching me Lord! I am your servant and your servant is listening.

Color Me Mysterious.

I love having these blogs because through them I have been able to track growth in myself as well as record events and memories. But, I do like having blogs that others cannot read. I like being able to post something in the open, while having privacy at the same time. I do not care if strangers read those blogs, but everyone needs that quiet space where they can rant and be unreasonable that is not available to their circle of friends. Everyone needs a safe place. I like being an open book to my friends, but I like having a hint of mystery to myself. That way people who really want to know me can figure me out, layer by layer.

Color Me Different.

I have this feeling lately I just can't completely shake. I feel more aware of how short my life could be. It's like we all expect to live to be 90 and accomplished and Hey it's okay if we don't give our all for Jesus today because I should have at least 50 or 60 more years left, right? But, what if we don't? What if this was my last year? How would I want to live it? What if I only have 5 years to share the Gospel? Wouldn't sharing it be more important than anything else? I am not trying to sound morbid, but I am not sure we should live expecting to live a long life. We should use each day as if it were our last. Because what if it is? Is Jesus so satisfying to me and the Gospel so important to me that I am okay with my life being about nothing else? We very well might get a lot of our wants and desires, but are we satisfied enough in Christ that if we don't that we are still as satisfied as if we did? Is Jesus enough for us? Or do we just that He is?

Color Me Curious.

Life is so....unknown right now. The future is a mystery, even tomorrow is cloudy. Everything I desire has reached impossible. Life is at a standstill. Or maybe I am only in the waiting. I almost don't know how to feel about anything. But, this I know: God is God and God is infinitely good. This is all I am sure of. This is all I need to be sure of for now. And so I wait, still.

Color Me Aware.

It is so easy for me to get so wrapped up in myself that I completely blind myself to the hurts and needs of others. When am I going to realize that my first world problems and impatience are not the reason I was created? There. Must. Be. Less. Of. Me. And. More. Of. Him. Other people are hungry and hurting and being hurt and sick and cold and lonely and broken and lost and I am crying because I don't get my selfish desires or because I have to wait for something. What is wrong with me? How do I focus on the reason I was created? Less of me God. Please, empty me so that I can be full of you. Take away any desire I have that did not come from you. It is worthless. You alone are worthy. Help me.

Color Me Unwavering.

I have been thinking a lot of about life lately. I know that sounds super broad, but what I mean is I have been thinking about purpose and responsibility as a Christian. I have rested much of my faith for a long time on other's faith whether family, church, or close friends. I am becoming more and more aware of how important taking hold on my own faith is. I cannot rely on how others live, what they claim to feel, or match how much I am willing to sacrifice by how much they are willing to sacrifice. I have sat on the fence for years now trying to make Americanized Christianity and true Christianity mix. And they don't. They are like water and oil. Americanized Christianity, prosperity gospel, organized religion..This is no longer enough for me. I wanted to take all of the things i wanted and then add God to the mix like a magic ingredient and it doesn't work. I want to want only the things that He wants. I want to be willing to give up everything including my life for Him and the advancement of the Gospel. Yeah, the fence is safe. But God never called us to safe. And I don't want to be anywhere that He isn't calling me. My life is far from comfortable or even nice right now. In fact it is pretty much the opposite. I feel like I have truly lost everything I cared for most. But it is in this loss that I once again discover Christ. He is all that I need. He only satisfies. I may not understand why things are working out the way they are, but He does and Him knowing and being in control is enough for me. I will wait on Him. I will trust and wait. Trust and obey.

Color Me Disciplined.

I never realized how much I depended on others for my spiritual growth. Before I had 684, youth, Sunday morning worship, Sunday school, Sunday night bible study. I spend over half of my time with other believers. I am not saying that is bad to worship together and have fellowship, but I am learning the hard way the necessity of individual worship and study. If I don't study on my own now then the only thing i get is what i get on Sunday morning. If I don't worship on my own now, i don't at all. I think it is good for me to have been pushed out of my comfortable zone because I am learning and growing.
I do miss being with other believers as much as I was before. I miss my kids. I miss bible study. But I have been learning a lot in my quiet times. I have been studying the genealogy of Jesus which is pretty cool because he has some interesting people in his. I have also been digging into the gospels. I have read them so much that I feel bored with them. But they are not boring and I will read them until they set a fire in me again. Just a little bit of my life lately. It has been awhile.

Color Me Anticipated.

I set sail(van) tomorrow for Savannah and the vast unknown. I am excited to be given a chance to serve my brother and sad to be leaving so many loved ones here. The last couple weeks have been filled with adventures, wonderful memories, deepening friendships and blessings. I am full to overflowing with love. I am looking forward to this next season in my life.

Color Me Faithful.

I have fallen so short lately. God must become my everything or else this move, this journey will be for nothing. My brother needs me. I. Must. Let. God. Satisfy. Me.

Color Me Blessed.

Church is pretty much always awesome lately. I don't know if it is because i go to church actually expecting God to show up now or if a lot more people are suddenly getting what it is all about, but i love it. We prayed for the kids today as schools are starting now and a new school year begins. As a church we have been spending a lot more times together on our knees praying for one another and lifting one another up. It is incredibly encouraging to go to church and not feel others look you up and down to see what you are wearing, but instead to get down on their knees and pray for you or get down in your dirt and pain and help you carry the burdens on your heart. Legit.

Color Me Obedient.

This is the time when obedience counts. The time for my leaving is near and i am starting to get cold feet. I have a hundred excuses running through my mind of why i should stay(cooking for bible study, youth group..) and how i am needed here. But then i remember, God doesn't need me. He uses me and loves me, but i am not needed. His plan will prevail with or without my obedience. And so i press on. I know the calling i have been given. I do not know all the reasons for Him asking me to leave my home and church family and best friends, but if He sees it as good, then it is more than good for me. My God is good ALL the time. I will trust and obey.

Color Me Passionate.

I have a burning in my heart that ignites the rest of me. I have a calling that i cannot stop from ringing in my ears daily. I have a purpose that i cannot shake. I have a Savior that i cannot keep away from. I am enamored by Him. I feel inadeqaute. I feel weak. I feel small. It only makes me see His Might and Glory and Holiness all the more. I feel like Jeremiah when he said he tried to hold in how he felt about God, but when he did it became a fire burning in his bones that he could not keep in. I have tried to ignore this passion, but i cannot. It is bursting out of me. I am His. Let this passionate journey continue on!

Color Me Aqua.

It has been raining for the past three days and i have seen just about every kind of rain there is. We have had mists, sprinkles, pouring, and flat out monsoons. It made me think of the different kinds of storms or seasons in my life lately.
Some have been like the misty rain. Soft, light, sweet. Those are the sweet times, the memories you hug to and let roll through your mind every so often, taking them out to relive them again for a moment.
Other days are like the steady, pouring rain. Those days are constant, not all good or all bad, just...there. They just are. They are the times we don't feel overly passionate or deeply depressed. We are steady.
And some days all full fledged monsoons. They have the roaring water, howling wind, lightening, thunder, hail.
Those days just crash down right in front of you and threaten to bring you down with them. You feel yourself growing weary from the constant blast of water and feel your knees weaken from the wind. Those storms are the toughest, but those storms are the character builders. They don't awe you with their beauty or calm you with their gentleness. They grow you. They strengthen you.
We may like the misty, rainy days better or the steady pour once in a while, but all of the storms are necessary. They each have a purpose and they fulfill theirs. We also have a purpose and God creates or allows storms in our lives of many kinds for many purposes. I may like the mist better or the sunshine the best, but if God who knows my beginning and end sees fit to give me the hard storms and thinks it is good, then I will see them as good. My daddy always knows best. He is always good.

Color Me Called.

Time is passing so quickly and before i know it i will be packing up my trusty little van and heading down to Savannah for my next mission. My emotions about this change, it seems every five minutes. I know that i am being called there. Every time i talk to my brother and hear the lostness in his voice that used to be in mine i am reminded that i have a purpose in going there. I see a little bit of myself in him and it makes me sad. It is the part of me i am grateful is gone because she was such a sad, bitter, angry girl in need of her savior. I find myself feeling desperate to be on my knees about my brother and his wife daily and time there is sweet despite the ache that squeezes my heart when i lift them up to my Daddy. Prayers for me friends please! Satan has been trying everything that he can think of to distract me, discourage me, or detour me. I must remember that i am on a mission. I must remember that when Jesus saved me i died to self. I must remember my brothers soul is worth eternally more than my comfort. I must.

Color Me Grateful.

I found this looking through an old Journal i have kept for years. It makes my heart ache to see how i was once so lost, but at the same time, all the more thankful for grace. No editing to this whatsoever.


May 25th 2010

I couldn't even begin to tell you when all of this started. It was so long ago. By all of this, i mean all of this self-hate. It is probably one of the strongest things i have ever felt and the most consuming. I make neat little lines hoping the bad will leak out, but it never does. It only makes me cry. I tried starving it out. It only makes me hungry. I tried fighting it out. It only makes me lonely. The fact that none of those things have worked hasn't stopped me from doing them. I try to give you(Jordan) everything you want so that maybe you will love me more, because maybe if i am loved it will balance the hate. But at the same time i push you away, partly because i need to know that someone loves me unconditionally, and partly because i know i don't deserve your love and i hate to give you a choice in staying or leaving. I am the outcast at work, made fun of and ignored at the same time. I am a piece that doesn't quite fit anywhere. I used to embrace my difference back when i was too ignorant to realize the loneliness that comes with it. I'm sorry for hurting you, for pushing you away. If you ever read this maybe you will understand why. I pick little fights with you so that you won't look too closely. I tell you things in anger that i feel about myself, not you. I would never hate you, or get tired of you, or be sick of you. But i feel all of those things about myself. You are so much more than i ever deserve. Maybe one day this will all stop. If it doesn't kill me first.


I was half a heartbeat away from Hell. He saved me. By Him, i mean Jesus the lover of my soul. He saved me. If my life isn't proof that He can save anyone, nothing is.

Color Me Shiny.

Yesterday Patrick, Kayla, and i went ice skating. On the way back i couldn't help, but notice all of the bill boards and advertisements on the side of the road. We had a destination:Home, yet every 10 feet there was a sign trying every witty slogan and eye catching logo they could to get us sidetrack from our purpose. I started to think how life can be like that. We have a destination:Heaven and we have a purpose:Worship and Sharing our Jesus, yet every 5 minutes we find some TV show, Internet site, gossip fest, car, or relationship trying every brand name pair of jeans and job promotion to get us distracted from where we are supposed to be going? It is a little overwhelming. I know our destination is exciting and it should be the easiest thing in the world to just keep our eyes there, or is it? Have you ever wanted to be back home after a visit so badly and you think nothing is going to get in your way and then you are overwhelmed by all of these distractions and you think, "well i do need a drink for the rest of the trip", or "A bathroom break might be a good idea.." The next thing you know you have invested all of your trip into the distractions and you forget why you were in such a hurry to get to your destination. I want to be undistracted. I want to be focused. I want to remember that i am on the Journey and i am not home yet. I want to remember. We need to remember. Don't be distracted by the shiny things.

Bubble Gum Pink.

Last night was so much fun. Patrick, Kayla, and i had a movie night at my house. We haven't done that in forever. We watched Megamind(the best movie i have seen in a while), and The Illusionist(one of my old favorites). We made a quick trip to McDonalds in between, during which i lost my keys in Kayla's car and got hyper on coffee. Haha what a night! Friendships have become so valuable to me lately. I will miss times like these when i am gone, but i look forward to creating some memories with my brother soon. God is so good!

If Hurt had a Color.

I seriously want to smack my head against a wall every time my heart reacts to you. It has to hurt a lot less.

Maroon.

I am a little more than frustrated right now. I have to get rid of almost everything i own before i can move in with my brother. I cannot take any furniture except my mattress and i am finding that i will not be able to bring very little else beyond clothes. I am wondering where all of this is going to leave me after he moves and i find somewhere else to move on to. Of course the ideal is to come back here. Or is it? I don't know anymore. I have one longing in my heart and less than 1% chance of it ever being fulfilled. Part of me thinks getting back to the basics is exactly the thing i need to be doing right now. Like in every other part of my life, my house has become cluttered with "things" i supposedly "need". I have become so emotionally attached to petty materialistic things like books and old, favorite blankets just because i have had them for years. Should it really be this hard to let such insignificant things go? No wonder if it hard to let other bigger things in my life go when i can't part with a book i read when i was 7 or a DVD collection i keep because i love the main actor in it. I am appalled at my devotion to these things. I have carried them from house to house, faithfully keeping track of them and lovingly giving them places of honor. I treat my possessions with more love and respect than i have treated people. I started off this blog frustrated at having to part with my possessions and now i end it feeling ashamed at how tightly i have held on to them. I can't believe such temporary pleasures have captivated me so easily while hurts of others and their needs look me straight in the face everyday and yet i can so easily turn away from them. How can this be? I am going to see just how little i can travel with. I am going to see which things i truly consider the things i feel i can't live without. I have a feeling i am going to learn a lot about myself. I have a feeling i might not like what i find.

Spice.

Not sure why i named this one Spice except i am hungry so food is on my mind and spice is a color or at least a shade that sounds like food. I am always hungry these days. It is just like when i first moved here and i lost so much weight because i was too poor to eat. I don't think i have lost much weight recently thankfully. Of course, that is only because Chris feeds me almost daily. Poor guy, didn't know what he was getting into when he befriended me. Life is just...more than i want to get into on this blog. Once things start getting personal it is time to move onto a more private blog.

The color of anticipation.

I officially turned in my notice today. In 60 days new apartment or not i will have to leave. Even though i don't have a definite place to stay i am excited. I have a huge love for adventure and the unknown. Life seems to be headed towards exciting.

Rust.

So far from there. Too close to here. Wherever that is. How do i get back? Do i even want to?

Ongoing.

Conversations between us lately.

Me: "I"m Done! This isn't fair and my faith is so small in this, it is close to becoming endangered."
Him: "You are going to need a lot more faith in this later so you better start keeping the faith now."

Me: "Why do i have to be the unselfish one?"
Him: "Because this is the first time in your life that you ever have been."


Me: "Why do i always get the short end of the stick?"
Him: "I got the stick with the nails in it."

Me: "Oh..."
Him: "Callie, why won't you just trust me?"

I have no reply. Why don't I? Why can't i trust my heart, emotions, and future to the One who spoke them into being before i was even considered? Why can't I trust the one who can see my beginning and end and holds it in His hand? Why is my faith becoming so small and my doubt growing more and more each day? I have no reply. I am guilty once again. At His feet. I am guilty.

Confessions After Midnight.

Had a great time last night. Patrick, Shelby, Katie, Gray, and Steven came over last night to swim. Everyone except Steven left before midnight, but we stayed out until around 3. We talked for hours, sharing funny stories from the past and swimming. I am pretty sure i had the wrinkled hands of a grandma once i got out 4 or 5 hours later. It was great! There is nothing like late times to make people willing to share themselves. It is like there is a secret door that opens after midnight that leads to everyone's stories and before midnight everyone is too self-conscious to open it. I absolutely love being given the priviledge to be welcomes into others pasts and memories.

The Color of Exasperation.

I want to write something badly. I have something creative bottled up in me, but i can't put it into words. There is some story or poetry or something in the making, but i just can't get it out. Exasperating.

Brown.

This visit has been nice, but like always i am ready to be home now. i miss my own cozy apartment. I will be glad to get back tomorrow.

Aqua.

I am in such a thoughtful mood tonight. I am busy categorizing all the thoughts in my head in neat, orderly columns. There is much to think about. I laugh now when i remember the time i hated the idea of being a beaver. Oh the joy of living order and neatness. Haha not that my head stays orderly for long. I will enjoy it while i can. Who knows what chaos will ensue tomorrow.

Purple.

I guess i will most likely be moving soon because i got off work at 9 and i have been furiously cleaning ever since. I don't live in a messy house, but i don't get in cleaning moods like this very often. I have already scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom and my closet is starting to look tempting. Hey i might as well pack too. Haha oh no. It is a good thing i live alone or i would be driving a roommate or husband crazy right now. Hmmm... i don't mind the idea of having a husband right now or driving him crazy... ;)

Some weird shade of green.

I have already written a lot tonight, but i am in a whiny mood right now. I will spare the details for other blogs, but i am just in a really annoyed mood at the moment. I think i might combust from all of this aggravation. How long? *sigh* Ignore me tonight. I am just looking for a place to rant.

Door Knockers.

I am in love with this apartment i keep going to look at. It has a red door with a door knocker :D How cute! Okay all shallowness aside it is a very nice apartment. It is twice as big as mine now and only cost about $20 more. It has a bigger kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom. It is more cost efficient and would be perfect i think for Bible study. So i am going to finish filling out the application today, discuss it with the group tonight and start making plans to move in the fall. Exciteddddd!

Just one more.

I will admit a weakness of mine..dresses. I love them. I love trying them on. I love wearing them. I went dress trying on today. I can't call it shopping because i didn't buy anything, but i tried on like a dozen, all of them purple except one haha Purple is my favorite color. There were two in particular that i loved. There was a floor length black one that was beautiful and a purple formal one. I loved them both so much i almost cried when i had to put them back. Haha what a lame-o. Anyway it was fun trying them on anyway and if anyone ever wants to buy me a gift well there are a few options. :D

Clear.

Choices, choices. My lease ends soon and i have to decide if i am going to say here or move to a different apartment. The safe side of me says stay and you wont have to fill out forms or pack up your stuff or..or...and the adventurous part of me says "GO FOR IT!!!" Honestly, i would love a little bigger place and ministry wise i am thinking if we potentially move Bible study from the church to a home i could use a bigger apartment for that. I am so unsure. I am getting edgy staying here in this apartment. I am craving some adventure right now and a new place seems like a good place to start. Any prayer from my friends is very wanted right now. I have so little time to decide and i want to make the choice that God is wanting, a choice that would be good for others and not just myself.

Gray.

I am all doubts right now. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe what i feel doesn't matter. Maybe it is time to move on to somewhere else. So God and i fight it out. Me trying to either run or slide back into my old shell and God calling me out on it. We go round and round. I can't stand the jealousy anymore. It is petty and pitiful and it is eating me alive, but no prayers or wishes or attempts to let it be make it go away. It follows me around constantly. It is destroying my friendships and it is going to eventually destroy me. I want to just leave. Just go somewhere else and let whatever happens here happen and then at least i wont be here to watch it. This blog is getting to personal so i will resume in another one.

The Dingiest Color.

Excuse me while i go throw up in another blog.

Teal.

I went with some of the youth last night to play tennis and i had a realization. There was a girl named Michelle there and i knew her, but i had never really talked to her much. But that night she called out my name and it hit me: she knows my name. I have never introduced myself to her before, but she somehow knows my name. And if by no formal introductions she knows my name then what else about me does she know? Is she watching what i talk about and how i dress and what i do in my free time? Does she see ho i react and how i handle stress? And if this girl who i didn't know was watching me then how many other young girls are watching me and how i live? Everytime i realize i am being watched by someone younger i am always overwhelmed at my possible influence. It is as scary as knowing my little sister watches my every move...

Run!

I am being ambushed my teenage boys lately. Three times by three different guys i was hit on tonight with all being under the age of 18. I was hit on the butt, asked what my reaction would be if i was kissed by one of them and flirted with shamelessly by all three. What in the world? I can't get a guy my age to give me a second glance, but the younger guys can't get enough of me. Oh my...

Partner in Crime.

I haven't had a chance to hang out with Kayla in forever and we were due some mischief. Somehow in between eating dinner with Katie and Grey and making cookie dough at my house we ending up "borrowing" a street cone at the college and planting it on Katie's door. Haha good times we had tonight!

These Grey Days.

Life is so blah lately. I am bored to tears. Like this weekend was great. I got to hang out with so many awesome people but i still feel...unsatisfied. I want something purposeful and exciting to do with my summer and it is passing by with nothing happening.

Tinge of Gray

I feel...edgy lately. Bored might be another word. Bored with my job, bored at my apartment. This is sumemr time. I want to do at least one exciting thing thhis summer. Life is good lately, but i am so unsatisfied. I am satisfied in God and completely happy in Him, but with life itself i am just bored. My job puts a damper on doing much such as going on trips, but there has to be something i can do. I am thinking of going on a mini camping trip with God this weekend. It is supposed to rain the next five days but i might suck it up and go anyway. Or atleast go on a hike. Maybe i will find a cliff to climb or a waterfall to jump off of.

Flowers from Daddy.

I went on another walk with God today. I tend to to take them when i have a lot on my mind or when we have a lot to talk about. I have begun(an?) to pick a flower every time we go on a walk together and save them in my Journal. I have several different kinds now and they each make me smile as i remember a particular walk with Him.

Rose.

That is my color today. A soft pink. Bright, yet soft. Today was my day off. I enjoyed sleeping in, a lunch with Pat, Lauren and Chris, had Greg over for swimming and got to see Jenny tonight at church. It was just an all around good day. And the thunderstorm tonight only makes a perfect ending to a prefect day.

i have like a hundred things to write about so i guess i will divide them between my many blogs. But something specific i wanted to write about was last night. So, last night God and i hung out in a tree. I know that sounds pretty weird but it happened. Last night i was at my parents house and i had just been feeling weird all day. I wasn't unhappy or sad or mad or anything in particular. I just felt...blah. I was sitting on the floor feeling blah and God says "Callie, come hang out with me." I told my parents i was going outside for a few minutes and i slipped out. I saw a tree a few houses down and decided to climb it. I get in the tree and God says "Callie, talk to me." So, i start telling God all about how i feel and going on and on. And i finally get everything off of my chest and God says "Callie, sing to me." And so i start singing. And i sing and sing and sing. I sing my little heart out and i begin to feel so happy. And i sigh and say " Thank you Daddy." It was the sweetest moment ever. He wanted to get me away with Him so that he could make me feel better. I am so glad i listened.

Magenta

I am in such a happy mood today. I sang and giggled the whole way to my parents this afternoon and i am so excited to be here. I know by the end of the weekend i will be pulling my hair out and homesick for my little apartment, but for now i love being here with them. I think i may head to the pool. There pool does not stay open all night like mine so i better take advantage while i can. I am having a slight jealousy problem today for some reason i am not sure why, but i guess i will go "throw it up" haha and head to the pool. No time for neagative emotions today!

My heart has felt heavy today with the awareness to pray for close ones of mine. Jordan and Nick in particular have been on my mind and heart to pray for and although i often find myself at a loss as to what i pray for God always supplies an answer. It continues to amaze me how encouraging and praying for others always brings back to me an even greater blessing than i gave to them. And it also continues to amaze me how much others are in need of support. I was so self absorbed before i couldn't even see others needs and now God has opened my eyes i am often overwhelmed by the needs.

21.

I have done this a couple of times already but i like to do it every now and then as my life changes. Also i am 21 now so this will be one thing to count for each year. 21 new things about me you may or may not have known or noticed.







1. I am an avid blogger.



2. I am no longer afraid to talk to people about my past or present. I am an open book now. Read me!



3. I have finally relinquished control of my life over to my best friend and love of my life, Jesus.



4. I am no longer afraid of God.



5. I am learning to have complete peace and joy in every circumstance.



6. God and i are in conversation constantly and i get the weird looks form other people to prove it. (I prefer to talk out loud often)



7. I have learned not to put all of my trust and faith in others not because people are completely untrustworthy but because we are human and God alone is the only one we can have complete trust in. We all let each other down and that should not stop us from having relationships it should only teach us not to put unnecessary strain on them with unrealistic expectations or stress.



8. I have finally learned what it feels like to love uncondtionally, without expectations or even to get love in return. To love simply because we are called to love.



9. I have learned that i was controlling and unloving and i have accepted it was who i was, given it to God, and know i am a new creation. The old has gone the new has come! I have also accepted it may take a long time for others to be willing to see the new me and accept me. All in God's time.



10. I have learned i can encourage people through my life in my blogs. In the beginning it was for me. I wanted a way to track growth. But others began to find encouragement through some of the most painful parts of my life because in the midst of pain they saw God was still there and i still hoped in Him. They have been a huge encouragement to me. Who knew my life could matter to strangers?



11. I have learned to cherish friendships without putting unrealistic expectations on them.



12. I have not only learned to accept pain from God but thank Him for it. Too often we ask "Why me?" and we should. We should seriously contemplate what God is trying to tell us through this pain.



13. God has given me the blessing of putting many people in my path for very specific purposes and i am loving the opportunity with every one of them.



14. I have found my identity in Christ as a women and i love it!



15. I have learned to be financially content with little or much. There has been more "little" lately lol



16. I love my family more than i ever have before in my life.



17. I love how i look and have learned that i am beautiful.



18. I have learned God has put a special burden on my heart to help youth through this time in their lives. I wished for someone to guide me through high school and my teen years which were the darkest time for me. I want to be to them what i needed so much.



19. I have absolutely no idea what God has in store for my future. It is a big blank, a huge question mark right now. Before i would have freaked out and tried to find something to control or plan. I am absolutely content in my lack of information from God right now. His will is only perfect when it is also in His time.



20. I am in love with the Bible right now. Especially the old testament.



21. I was saved in 2009. In 2011 God captured my heart. Oh and i captured His <3

Life is so...unusual right now. So many things are happening that only make my future seem even more cloudy from my current view. But the cool thing is my faith only grows stronger. Not knowing these things would have freaked me out before, now i rest in the peace of knowing that God not only knows my future but hand chose it just for me. Satan has been getting into quite a bot of mischief lately, but it really only makes me laugh because it is so different from the goodness from God that i know right away it is him. So, more growing and more not knowing and more joy :)

Today was beyond amazing. This afternoon started off terrible because i was feeling very left out and lonely. I decided to go for a long walk or rather God invited me to go for a long walk with Him. We always have the best conversations then as people drive by thinking i am a total weirdo because i talk to Him outloud as i walk. Anyway we get to a restaurant and i sit down and i want to text or call someone because i am so lonely, but i say "no, i am not calling anyone, i want someone to call me. I want someone to choose me!" Nothing happens and i begin walking back home very discouraged. But i decided regardless of how i am feeling i am going to praise God anyway because He is God and worth it. so i began to talk to Him and sing to Him. I get home and am not home more than 20 minutes when Keri(who i rarely get to see) texts me out of nowhere saying "I want to swim!!!" It doesn't even click to me that God has not only heard my prayer, but is answering it. Later as we are at the pool it hits me. God heard me. He heart my lonliness and hurt and answered me! I had the best night full of shared stories, conviction, displays of God's power and grace and the best listening ear in the world. I seriously walked back to my apartment in awe and praising God for His goodness.

I went swimming with Traci and the kids today. It was so neat to be apart of today with them. We were teaching Toby how to swim and he would freak out when water touched his face or Traci or i tired to let him float(he was wearing this awesome padded swim suit that helped him stay afloat. He would cling to us while we tried to show him that he could trust us that he wouldn't drown. And once he got the hang out it it was awesome. He giggled and splashed and paddled around and around. My heart melted just watching his face light up and when he would get afraid and grab my hand in a death grip i fell in love with him. It made me look forward to having kids. I never thought about things like teaching them how to swim. It was hard work but so rewarding. I know i said i didn't want kids and didn't want to be pregnant but after spending so much time with Traci and her family and working with so many pregant girls at work my perspective and mind has changed. I definitely want to wait a long time, but i also very much want a family.

Can i just say i have finally after 19 years of being a church kid and 2 years of being saved finally fallen in love with my Jesus. And in the most unexpected place in life. It wasn't until everything i treasured was taken away and my life was stripped bear that in that empty, black hurt i found him. And he set my heart on fire. I love him. He is my constant companion every day. We talk so much and i feel so sad when too much time passes without me being able to have one on one time with him. I have never been in so much confusion and pain in my life before, yet never before have i loved him so much or trusted him so completely.

This is such a pivital time. I can feel it. I can feel the forces around me. I feel the good on one side encouraging me, pushing me forward into all this excitement and growth that God has in store for me. But there is another force as well. It isn't on the opposite side whispering mischief in my ear. No, it coils around me feet, slithering its way closer and closer feigning disinterest, all the while enticing me closer to its darkness. You would think the choice would be simple. Light=good, dark=bad. But simple isn't easy. Because the dark doesn't whisper chaos and evil plots. It just puts flashbacks in my mind of memories of pain and mistakes. It reminds me of my shortcomings and recounts every sin. It makes it sound like it is doing me a favor by helping me to back out before i try to get in too much over my head. Makes it seem like it is protecting me by pushing me back in the shadows where i wont embarrass myself too much. But growth isn't in the shadows. Darkness stunts growth. It sees that i have caught on to his scheme, maybe a little too quickly for his liking so he tosses something else out in the open. It is called life. Or rather a busy life. Because it isn't enough to have a full life. You don't get caught in webs of lies and deceit traps with a full life. It is a busy life that starts to complicate things. So he throws the busy line out. Because when life gets busy we get careless, we get heartless, we get Godless. Bingo. So here i am. I am not being pulled like in a tug of war with the forces of good and evil each on a side trying to each win me over. I am being guarded by the good forces while the dark darts around planting traps and holes and detour signs. I guess this is why we are told to be on our guard. Why we are told to stand firm. Why we are told to know the reason for the hope we have. Because satan isn't sitting in a dark corner trying to bribe us over to his side of the room. He is on the playing field disguised as the umpire. He is playing the game. We need to step up our game. Or maybe just maybe we need to finally get in the game.

Sad. I am trying to see past these dark stormy days to the rainbow afterwards but it is hard. Nights are the hardest. I miss talking to Jordan. I have broadened my horizons by making independent frienships this year, but nights were always lonely times for me. Jordan always helped ease the long nights of living alone. And now i face them alone. Just me and the dark and my too many thoughts. I see a lot more nights of falling asleep to my tearrs rather than his voice. I know God is with me through these times and maybe He is even using them to call to me, but i still miss human companionship. *sigh*

I feel very accomplished tonight. I applied for jobs, looked at colleges, found financial and application forms to be printed out and mailed my official transcripts. Now to wait.

My color for my mood today would be blueish gray. I am the color of the sky before a rainstorm. Blah. I feel so sad tonight and i don't know why. i am just sad.

I am irritated tonight. It was a good night. Nothing dramatic or tramatic happened, but sometime on the way home my desire for my old habit surfaced and i was overwhelmed with want. For no reason. This is so irritating.

I am homesick. Terribly. Seriously, i feel like a little kid at summer camp. I miss my quiet apartment, my loving church, my awesome friends. I miss seeing the mountains every direction i drive and hearing Malcolms fish tank humming me to sleep. I know that Dalton is definitely wher ei belong right now and i am feeling more and more longing to stay there this fall. I lvoe the kids at church dearly and the thought of leaving them behind, especially the younger girls who need someone to encourage them breaks my heart. What if i am the one that can help them right now? What to do?

I am feeling a little pulled in multiple directions right now. Before i felt clueless with no clear direction and now i am confused as to which direction i should take. Kirk has invited me to live with him, dad has invited me to move near them, and i feel a longing in my heart to remain in dear northern Georgia with my amazing kids in the youth group. So much to decide.

haha i am feeling glad that i have a secret blog. Okay so it isn't a very good secret since i don't have it set as private and it is on the internet, but it is unbeknown to most people. I think Jordan knows about it although it hink he has forgotten about that blog. Thankg goodness lol Because it is my most honest blog. I wouldn't be mad if people read it, but they would probably know me a little more than they were wanting to, so for their sake it is probably a good thing it is unknown. It is nice to have a place that i can go to a rant about things though. It is a release blog for me. My others blogs i love peeople reading because us sharing our stories and being able to track my growth has been a huge blessing for me. But everyone needs a place to rant, be emotional, be unrealistic, be dramatic. And that blog is my place. It will be interesting if anyone finds it one day. And as long as they don't comment on it so i find out about it i wont really care.

I am a little proud of myself. I got my internet bill today and apparently my price was locked for 6 months or something and the new price is almost twice as much which in my language is pretty unaffordable. However, i did not freak out. I have been thinking of ways to revise my budget, maybe having to cut some things out. Before i would have been in tears, but God is still working in me and i am becoming quite the good faithful steward of money. Well i am in a process of becoming that anyway lol

So. Impatient. I long to be married. I long to be a wife. I long to satisfy a man. Oh my gosh the waiting is almost unbearbale sometimes.

Once again i feel on my toes. The air is charged with the electricity of possibility. I am excited and afraid. God is most definitely up to something.

I am for lack of other words..bored. I want to be doing more with my life. If I was waiting for something such as a grant to go through or a job transfer or even more bizarre a wedding then i could see this waiting, but i feel at such a standstill. Like what is my purpose here? I like church and i love my friends but i feel like i am accomplishing nothing here. Is this really where i am supposed to be? I don't want to move without God's direction, but as much as i seek i seem to hear nothing.

I thought he had gone away. I really did. I had left him in the past with the bad dreams and girl drama of high school. But just when i thought i had eluded him for good, outsmarted him, i turn around and come face to face with him again. I stand there frozen. In fear, awe, uncertainty? Maybe all three. He moves slowly like someone taming a wild animal taking only the smallest movements. He comes up behind me and brushes his razer blade nails against my side. My breathing quickens. And he smiles. "Shhh." he whispers gently in my ear. I tremble. He tricked me again.

Hearing unsaved people talk makes me so sad sometimes. It is so easy for me to forget that i used to be just like them. I used to be lost. I used to care mostly about myself and my needs. And now that God has drastically changed my focus it is hard to meet people who are like i used to be. People were talking about Japan today and i was shocked to hear them say that they were sick of hearing about Japan. One man even said that he was sick about hearing about Japan when we were paying 3 dollars for gas. Really?!?! People are over there dead, homes destroyed, families seperated and he was saying how we should be getting some media because we are paying too much for gas. How can you even compare those two things? I'm not sure about him but i would rather pay 3 dollars for gas than to be dead.

I am at such an interesting time in my life and for the first time i can appreciate where i am instead of wanting to be somewhere else. Not that i wouldn't love to be married or going to school because i would love those things. But i am seeing how wherever we are as long as we have our eyes on Christ is exactly where we are supposed to be. And that is cool. Even if it means we are slaving away at a sub par restaurant or going to a local school or whatever we happen to be doing. We were CHOSEN to be where we are. That is pretty heavy. And pretty awesome.

He kissed my forehead. It was the sweetest gesture ever and i about cried it was so sweet. Aslo being held tonight a realization came to me. he is such a man. I wonder when i will become a woman? I miss him so much but i have a desire in me to be a wife not just a girlfriend so maybe i am in the ride for some more waiting.

Totally jusdt bought a really awesome pen today. It lasts for 7 years AND it has a mustache on it. How cool! Also i think i am slowly changing my mind about not wanting kids. I saw a picture of Adam's little baby girl today and i melted. Being pregnant still freaks me out, but i am definitely softening to the idea of kids. who ever would have guessed?

Last night was hard. It is so hard to say no to someone that you would give anything to say yes to. I thought time would make things easier, but i only get lonlier and sadder. I miss so much being together. If this is best for us now how could I try to force something that would only hurt us? That wouldn't be shpwing love. I can't do that. Love is proven during the toughest times, the times when the least Love is being shown back. It is during this time that Love grows. The future is looking less and less clear. I have no idea where i am supposed to be. I only know i wish you were by my side. It is a good thing God is, i am pretty sure i would have collasped by now if He weren't.

I wanted to write this in my year of thanks blog but decided to write it here incase something really awesome happened at work tonight since i feel like it might. So, i was feeling all crappy, all poor me today. And then i watched this blog video posted by Mark Hall about the book of James and the early church and our purpose on earth today and that totally changed my perspective for today. So thank you Mark Hall for the call out.

My feelings are hurt. I feel so unimportant to him. Like i could move away tonight and his life would go on the same as if i was here. Like i wouldn't be missed at all. I am not asking for much. He treats every other girl like he is their knight in shinning armour. Last night he walked Jenny over to my car, opened her door for her(which he never did for me), gave her a big hug and then leaned over and gave me a half side hug and walked off. That hurt. Like Jenny is a princess and i am nothing. Like i didn't even matter. I wanted kick something or maybe him. I hate that i let him hurt my feelings so much especially with little things. I hate that he even can hurt my feelings. I wish he didn't even matter to him. I wish i didn't like him at all. But depspite how much i want to tell him to shove off and never even call me again or kick him or call him the worst things i can think of i can't because despite everything i love him deeply in the truest sense of the word. And i really do want the best for him. And i want him to be happy. I just wish i wasn't the only one putting anything into this so called friendship. Because we aren't friends really. We are people who tolerate each others presence and who occassionally can even manage to be nice. He calls me late at night to just fall asleep. Which used to be cute. But now makes me feel like i am being used. It was cute when he did that after we talked, but we never talk anymore. He calls at all hours of the night and morning with no interest in telling me about his day or hearing about mine. We never talk at all anymore, he just wants to fall asleep. He says he likes to see me but when i do show up places he is at or see him at church i am practically invisible to him. He is just as happy to run off to talk to Maci or Paul. He never sits down and talks to me. I could move tonight and it would take him days to figure out i wasn't here. So here i go again being the repsonsible one. Working hard. Paying bills. Letting him call at ridiculous times just to fall asleep while i lay there lonely. I am seriously thinking about moving. I have nothing holding me here anyway. I talked to Traci last night about moving to Florida to live near Her and Mark. Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe we need some real space to sort things out. I am going to look into it. I have been wanting to go back to school. Maybe this is my opportunity. Until then i am going to have to ask God to take away some more of this bitterness and pride and pray for him. It is all i can do. And probably the best thing. Because depsite this very angry blog i Love him beyind my ability to understand. And Love is not angry or bitter. Love is 1 Corinthians. That is my goal.

I am at a standstill right now. And for a person as fidgity as me this is unbearably painful. I want to be running, jumping, diving into life and i feel as restrained as a child in crib. Is this really where he wants me? If it is i want to obey and be content, but i have so many longings. I have so much pent up energy and desires and..and.. ughh this stillness is driving me crazy. There has to be more. I have two longings right now: to be married and to go back to school. And neither seem possible right now. Especially number 1. And they really go hand in hand because i cannot imagine going back to school and living in a dorm after living on my own for so long. I can see such a perfect little life: Being married, living in a cozy little apartment and going to school, with a nice little job on the side. I am sure God is laughing right now at this perfectly safe, perfectly boring little fantasy. But well if i can't have it(which could be a good thing) at least i can rant about it here. So, there is my fantasy God. I need to hand it over to you and maybe you will make it somehow come true or maybe you will shake it all up and turn my world upside down again or maybe you will change my desires all together. But, regardless i needed to give this to you before my desires weighed me down and made me worthless for you. So, there they are. You are God whether you give or take away. I am here. I am waiting. I am listening.

The weather lately has been unbelievable. There have been only two words to describe it lately: Glorious and Lovely. Lovely is such a beautiful word. Which describes the weather perfectly lately because it is so beautiful. It is February and the days are long, bright, sunny, with a gentle breeze every day. Also i don't know what is up with God lately, but he reminds me of a kid at Christmas time with his sunrises lately. Each day they grow more beautiful and give me desire to wake up to see them. Maybe he knows i had a discouraging week with having to wake up early so many days and he wanted to surprise me with a little extra Love. Isn't he incredible? Loving this weather Loving Him more.

I feel like i am standing on my tiptoes. Life is precariously balanced right now. I am in the in between. The moment right before something happens. The air is crackling with excitement. My whole body tingles with anticipation. The story i wrote called "Free Falling" is completely applicable right now. I am about to implode with longing. God is tantilizing me right now with the possible. I am still unsure of where exactly he is leading me, but with Him right beside me holding my hand who cares as long as he never leaves? Sorry to use so many words and make so little sense. But I had to write this down.

Since i am trying to be grateful in my other blog this one tends to seem more negative, but i am human and i do have feelings. So i am growing, but i need somewhere to be honest about my feelings in the mean time. So, this sucks. This growing. This hurt. This feeling of betrayel. I miss him. I love him. But i would also like to hit him over the head with a ton of bricks right now for painting me the most beautiful fairy tale of a future and then taking it all back. I want to kick a wall. I want to cry and be hurt. But i am tired of being hurt. I want to grow, but i am still selfish enough not to want it at this price. So God i am trying, i really am. I know i'm not the fastest learner and my pride doesn't help, but i am trying. I love you. And i am working on the trust no matter what part. So, he says absolutely not about us ever. I say i'm sticking with you because i love you and want to share in ministry with you. One of us is wrong. Help me to be humble if it is me Lord and Humble if it is not. He is in your hands.

Feeling in need of some love tonight again. It is incredible how in need of affection i have become since Jordan and i aren't together. I love still talking to him every night and he is always sure to give me a hug at least once every time i see him, but... i miss the rest. I miss kisses. I never thought i would, but then again i never thought i wouldn't have them. What i wouldn't give for even the shortest kiss. Even if it was mostly platonic. I miss him kissing me. I miss him holding me. I miss feeling safe and cherished and protected. I miss cuddling while watching movies. I miss. Him. Us. I miss.

So the bookstore is turning into an even bigger blessing than i originally thought. It has become more than a peaceful hideaway or stress reliever. I am starting to become friends with the employees. Of course friends is a bit of an overstatement at the moment because we are only just learning each others names, but still i am making progress. The really funny thing is how the 3 that i have been getting to know approached me. They each approached me individually and on 3 seperate days but they introduced themselves the almost EXACT same way. They all said "Hi, we see you here all of the time and we have been calling you Christian fiction girl what is your real name?" haha each time i have to work really hard not to laugh at their introduction because they all say the same thing. Their names are Shawn(Sean?), Jason, and Sandra and i like them all a lot. I am excited at the possibility of becoming friends with them. The bookstore opening is beginning to seem to me more than random. I am feeling a very distinct purpose for it openeing and me being drawn to it so much and maybe it is these 3 people. I am looking forward to seeing God's plan in this. He sure does have a sense of humor. I love how they asked about my name.

So God keeps showing up around every corner i turn. In unexpected places. In strangers. In dreams. Life is one big question mark for me right now, but for the first time i see the unbelievable awesomeness of that. A question mark means SURPRISES. I LOVE surprises! I can be anything. Go anywhere. I am standing on top of the mountain right now and the only thing i am trying to figure out is whether he wants me to climb another mountain or cliff dive off into some place else. Seriously the possibilities right now are endless. I have huge dreams in my heart. I only need to figure them out. Sort them out. Pray them out. Which means spending more time with my dream giver. I have no idea where i am headed but i know i am headed somewhere. Which means i am not stuck in place. Which means adventure time!

This has been an awesome weekend with the family. I am heading back home tonight which in a way will be nice because i miss my little apartment with his quietness and my church and friends. But it is nice to be somewhere different every and then. Too much familiarity can be stunting to growth i think. We need to push ourselves so that we can reach our full potential. So i am headed back. I feel God has big plans in store for me soon. I sense changes in the air. So i am preparing myself. But i am leaving my love of control out of it. I don't want that stunting my growth either.

Oh Daddy, I miss him so much. I long so much to be married. To be his wife. To take care of him and work side by side with him. It has been on my mind more and more lately which only confuses me more since we aren't together right now. He seems to content being like this. Why is he content but my soul is troubled? I want to be content too Daddy. I want to be able to act normal around him and treat him nicely. I want to be his best friend and not feel weird around him. It seems so easy for him. Why is it so hard for me? I am trying so hard to let it go. To trust you. To stay out of the way of your plans. Please Daddy overwhelm my heart with Agape love for him. Please Daddy make me content in this circumstance. I want to do anything to please you. Being sad can't please you. I need you more than yesterday Daddy even though yesterday i needed you more than i have ever before, today i need you more than that. Please, please, Daddy give me more strenth. Help me to worship you even through this. Especially through this.

Had a wonderful little mini adventure today. Tonight after leaving the mall around 6:30 i was bored to tears and didn't want to go home. So, after calling people to hang out and receiving no replies i decided no companionship was needed to have an adventure. I skipped off to Fort O for the evening where i went shopping, tried on a very pretty dress, bought 3 cute shirts, prices a laptop and got lost for about 15 minutes before heading back home. Tonight was awesome! Oh yeah and i talked to my peaches the way so we kinda shared the adventure a little.

So much to think about. I am sure of him. And because of that sureness i am going to let that part of my life be. I am going to pray for him everyday. I am going to Agape love him. I am going to be supportive and encouraging and loving. I am going to learn to be the best friend in the world to him. And that is all. There is a reason we are not in together right now and i am far from understanding that reason or liking it, but it is there nonetheless and i will not waste this time in anger and bitterness. God has a plan for me. Now that i have time and zero distractions i need to be seeking what that is. And maybe that means coming home from work everyday and immediently falling on my face and begging him to show me his plans for me. Maybe that means reading His love letter to me cover to cover until i have it memorized and hidden in my heart. Maybe that means when the day turns out bad or i am low on strength instead of crying myself to sleep i fall asleep praising him for being counted worthy of another day. I have no idea what is in the future. But this i know: He is already there ahead of me, working things out, and He is also here with me right now, preparing me for what is ahead. With all of this trouble and hurt and pain it must be something great coming! I can't wait!

So, i miss him. I am okay with things more now. I still wish we were together. All of this was such a shock to me. But i have complete comfort in the fact that it is not a shock to you God. And i have even more comfort in the knowledge that you already know how all of this is going to turn out. So, i am trusting you. You know my desires Lord. You know how deeply i love him. I only pray that you grow that love for him if he the one you have chosen for me. No matter how long he remains unsure or how little that love is returned. And if i am wrong and he is not for me i pray that you remove all feelings for him except the growing love of friendship. Please, God answer my prayer by confirming these things for me so that i can obey you. I don't want to hold on to someone that is not mine, neither do i want to let go of someone that you have chosen for me. I love you Lord and i am trusting you completely even in this time of blindness where i have absolutely no idea where you want me to be, who to be with, or what to be doing. Reveal yourself to us both Lord confirming your plans for us by your word, through prayer and through others Lord.

I could say it in a thousand different ways. With a hundred different ways. Different sentense structure. Different mood. But when it comes down to it, I am sad. I miss you. I miss us. I miss. And i am sad that i miss and you don't. I am glad one of us in happy. At least that way all this sadness seems worth it.

feeling sad tonight. This whatever we are time right now is hard. It's hard being here. Not together. Not not together. The feelings are still there. The attraction is still there. But the relationship isn't. Lord, i don't understand. He is so sure we don't belong together. I am so sure we do. If i am wrong. If these feelings aren't from you then take them. I don't want them. But if they are Lord and you are asking me to wait then show me some sign Lord that i am supposed to be waiting and not supposed to be letting go. You are more than enough for me, now and always. I don't want to hold on to a guy that is not meant for me. I am more than willing to wait as long as you ask and as long as he needs me to wait for him if you want us together. All i am asking for is complete confirmation. To both of us, even if the time is wrong and friends is best for us right now. I am asking in complete faith for your confirmation so that i can obey you Lord. Make it obvious. Make it undeniable. Make it mutual. I am expecting.I am waiting. I love you.

reading some ggod scripture tonight. I have been super frustrated with my job lately. It seems the non-believers get away with everything and get everything. I was reading psalms and found this: "Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Bestill befire the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when mean succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret---it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land." Psalm 37:1-9.

Spend the evening at the bookstore. This is fast becoming an almost nightly ritual but i can't seem to break it. Their Christian/Religious section is AMAZING and i can't soak in enough. I take short notes and questions on my phone and use them for later research and torture for Paul who is becoming my Bible teacher along with his pastorly duties. The Bible is unbelievably fascinating and i want to learn everything. And not just the Bible, i have also been brushing up on cults and other religions and although they didn't win my heart like Christ they are interesting to study. How else are we ever to share our beliefs if we don't even make an effort to learn about others? No wonder we come across as selfish and self-centered to non-believers. Anyway just wanted to share this. I have also been addicted to writing lately. More than usual. I guess it is because i had more free time since Jordan and i are no longer a couple. It is still weird to even write that. It feels so surreal to me. Like a bad aftertaste. It is hard to accept i guess because my feelings haven't changed a bit, but regardless my feelings are unimportant at the moment. I want his to be the only ones that matter. Because if mine are valid as I believe then mine truly don't matter right now. His concerns and need for space is the only thing that matters. I am learning the harder side of Agape or 1 Corinthians love. Love that remains unconditional regardless of whether it is returned. This i think is the truest form of love because it must become completely unselfish. Interesting thoughts.

It's been a long past few days. My emotions have changed more than my thoughts and that is pretty incredible if you know me. But i know i can't keep doing this. I have gone through them all now: Hurt, fear, anger, frustration, brokeness, pity, disgust, apathy,... they go on and on. And after all of them have taken their toll on me you know what i am still here, still standing. My heart is bruised but not broken.



"Daddy you know the deepest desires of my heart. You know my secret longings. You know my passions and hopes and dreams. And fortunately for me you also know not only past and present, but also my future. I know you have already ordained all of my days and i will now accept that as enough. You are more than enough for me. So, this incredible, wonderful, compassionate man of God is yours. I know he is anyway, but i have been selfishly holding him to me and i wont do that anymore. I want to give him back to you where he rightfully belongs. Not that i wont cry anymore or that my heart wont hurt anymore or that i still wont miss what we were. But he is yours. And i would consider it the greatest blessing if you choose to ever give him to me as a partner in life and in ministry, but that is your choice. I wont make choices for you anymore. I love you daddy. I have been hateful and selfish and i don't want to be anymore. You are my everything. Please let him desire the same. I am here. I am listening. I am willing. I am your. Forever <3

black.

He wants to know why i wont be coming to anything for a while. Honestly i just can't deal with the questions. We weren't a 6 month couple. We were together for almost 3 years. 3 years of history and friendships and people seeing us together. And now we are not. I just know his family will be talking about this. And our friends. And i know it shouldn't matter. But it does. Because i found out that almost every single thing he ever told me was a lie. A boy lying? go figure. I guess i thought he was different. I guess i was wrong again. To bad my heart still doesn't agree with that. To bad i still feel sure. I wish i didn't even like him let alone still want to spend forever with him. Where is the justice?

She is stuck between two voices

as they argue in her mind.

Both offer comfort

Only one is selling lies.

She listens to both their cases

as they present them to her to decide.

One old and familiar, whispers

old and familiar lies.

Lies she knows they are

but a part of her still believes every one she hears.

Lies can seem like truth

when compared to pain and fear.

There still is yet another voice

that needs no flashy speech.

That other voice only holds out a hand

giving her space while still in reach.

And now the time has come

and she must choose

which voice

to hear

she closes her eyes

and quiets her heart

listening for one voice

to become more clear.

.

The Darkest shade of gray.

Sad. Sad. Sad. The saddest i have ever been in my life. He wants space. For the first time in almost 3 years we are not together. I think my heart just broke a little more. God why? Why do you place this sureness for him in my heart that never fades let alone leaves and let him feel such uncertainty? Why?

So i just bought my turtle Malcolm some fish thinking he would like a fun snack, however he has been racing wildly around his tank screeching his claws against the glass instead. Maybe should have just bought a couple fish instead of like a dozen? haha poor thing...

So, i have started a website. It is called Machaseh which means "safe place". Not sure how it is going to turn out. It is easier starting a website than it is promoting one. It needs a lot of work, but who knows? It could turn out to be awesome! I will post updates as i improve it.

So much on my mind. I was thinking about how i like to write and how it is the only thing i feel that i am really good at. And that got me to thinking about how i like to blog and that got me to thinking about how people seem to read what i write and then i started thinking about how a lot of other people have started blogging lately. And that got me to thinking that if i like to write and i am good at writing and people read what i write and other people write because we all need to be heard how can i use this talent for others? And that is about all i have right now. It would be awesome i think to start a positive blog/website where people can come to feel safe and encouraged. No negative feedback or comments. But how in the world doi start something like that? I am pretty dumb when it comes to the internet.


I am going to do a little research and see what i can learn.

I know i already posted a blog today but apparently all the sleep i got today was too much for my body that is used to running off of almost nothing. And the result: Hyperrrrr :D XD :3


Wow now i know why i don't let myself sleep so much. The world's rest depends on it. Haha. Anyway i was think about weird things that i like. And since not many people read this i feel safe in posting them. And on the occassion that someone i know does read this, well, everyone knows i'm weird anyway :D


1. I love playing dress up. I go through my closet all of the time trying on things for fun.
2. I love wearing very little. I'm not a nudist so nobody freak out. But i was thinking today about how if i lived secluded i could have ran around outside today in just a bathing suit and some rain boots and had a great time :D I am so glad i live alone lol There is just something about bare skin that is incredibly comfortable. Not to mention attractive.
3.

Okay so apparently i was only thinking of those two things. If i think of more i will post them. Anyway, that's i wanted to share. Don't hate me for being a weirdo.

1111

I love this day. It is 1111. That means i can make wishes all day :D Wow i am such a kid. Not too mentions a dorky kid. Haha. Anyway this has got to be the most expectly awesome year. I am burning with excitement to see what God does this year. The last two years have been incredible.

2009-Saved
2010-grew through suffering
2011-???

I feel like turning cartwheels or something. Maybe it is because u slept for like 5 hours today. There goes any chance of sleep tonight. Anyway today was great. I got off work wayyyy early. Had a long bath, a much longer nap, and woke craving some sweet tea. So i go outside and find the most beautiful rain. A light, mistly drizzle that tickles my skin and made me giggle hopelessly. There was no stopping me from making a total fool of myself in public by running and jumping in puddles and giggling uncontrollably. God is such a daddy who loves to give gifts to his children including rain puddles to jump in. So thank you daddy :)

I will stop rambling now. Night world.