I thought he had gone away. I really did. I had left him in the past with the bad dreams and girl drama of high school. But just when i thought i had eluded him for good, outsmarted him, i turn around and come face to face with him again. I stand there frozen. In fear, awe, uncertainty? Maybe all three. He moves slowly like someone taming a wild animal taking only the smallest movements. He comes up behind me and brushes his razer blade nails against my side. My breathing quickens. And he smiles. "Shhh." he whispers gently in my ear. I tremble. He tricked me again.

Hearing unsaved people talk makes me so sad sometimes. It is so easy for me to forget that i used to be just like them. I used to be lost. I used to care mostly about myself and my needs. And now that God has drastically changed my focus it is hard to meet people who are like i used to be. People were talking about Japan today and i was shocked to hear them say that they were sick of hearing about Japan. One man even said that he was sick about hearing about Japan when we were paying 3 dollars for gas. Really?!?! People are over there dead, homes destroyed, families seperated and he was saying how we should be getting some media because we are paying too much for gas. How can you even compare those two things? I'm not sure about him but i would rather pay 3 dollars for gas than to be dead.

I am at such an interesting time in my life and for the first time i can appreciate where i am instead of wanting to be somewhere else. Not that i wouldn't love to be married or going to school because i would love those things. But i am seeing how wherever we are as long as we have our eyes on Christ is exactly where we are supposed to be. And that is cool. Even if it means we are slaving away at a sub par restaurant or going to a local school or whatever we happen to be doing. We were CHOSEN to be where we are. That is pretty heavy. And pretty awesome.

He kissed my forehead. It was the sweetest gesture ever and i about cried it was so sweet. Aslo being held tonight a realization came to me. he is such a man. I wonder when i will become a woman? I miss him so much but i have a desire in me to be a wife not just a girlfriend so maybe i am in the ride for some more waiting.

Totally jusdt bought a really awesome pen today. It lasts for 7 years AND it has a mustache on it. How cool! Also i think i am slowly changing my mind about not wanting kids. I saw a picture of Adam's little baby girl today and i melted. Being pregnant still freaks me out, but i am definitely softening to the idea of kids. who ever would have guessed?

Last night was hard. It is so hard to say no to someone that you would give anything to say yes to. I thought time would make things easier, but i only get lonlier and sadder. I miss so much being together. If this is best for us now how could I try to force something that would only hurt us? That wouldn't be shpwing love. I can't do that. Love is proven during the toughest times, the times when the least Love is being shown back. It is during this time that Love grows. The future is looking less and less clear. I have no idea where i am supposed to be. I only know i wish you were by my side. It is a good thing God is, i am pretty sure i would have collasped by now if He weren't.