Can i just say i have finally after 19 years of being a church kid and 2 years of being saved finally fallen in love with my Jesus. And in the most unexpected place in life. It wasn't until everything i treasured was taken away and my life was stripped bear that in that empty, black hurt i found him. And he set my heart on fire. I love him. He is my constant companion every day. We talk so much and i feel so sad when too much time passes without me being able to have one on one time with him. I have never been in so much confusion and pain in my life before, yet never before have i loved him so much or trusted him so completely.

This is such a pivital time. I can feel it. I can feel the forces around me. I feel the good on one side encouraging me, pushing me forward into all this excitement and growth that God has in store for me. But there is another force as well. It isn't on the opposite side whispering mischief in my ear. No, it coils around me feet, slithering its way closer and closer feigning disinterest, all the while enticing me closer to its darkness. You would think the choice would be simple. Light=good, dark=bad. But simple isn't easy. Because the dark doesn't whisper chaos and evil plots. It just puts flashbacks in my mind of memories of pain and mistakes. It reminds me of my shortcomings and recounts every sin. It makes it sound like it is doing me a favor by helping me to back out before i try to get in too much over my head. Makes it seem like it is protecting me by pushing me back in the shadows where i wont embarrass myself too much. But growth isn't in the shadows. Darkness stunts growth. It sees that i have caught on to his scheme, maybe a little too quickly for his liking so he tosses something else out in the open. It is called life. Or rather a busy life. Because it isn't enough to have a full life. You don't get caught in webs of lies and deceit traps with a full life. It is a busy life that starts to complicate things. So he throws the busy line out. Because when life gets busy we get careless, we get heartless, we get Godless. Bingo. So here i am. I am not being pulled like in a tug of war with the forces of good and evil each on a side trying to each win me over. I am being guarded by the good forces while the dark darts around planting traps and holes and detour signs. I guess this is why we are told to be on our guard. Why we are told to stand firm. Why we are told to know the reason for the hope we have. Because satan isn't sitting in a dark corner trying to bribe us over to his side of the room. He is on the playing field disguised as the umpire. He is playing the game. We need to step up our game. Or maybe just maybe we need to finally get in the game.

Sad. I am trying to see past these dark stormy days to the rainbow afterwards but it is hard. Nights are the hardest. I miss talking to Jordan. I have broadened my horizons by making independent frienships this year, but nights were always lonely times for me. Jordan always helped ease the long nights of living alone. And now i face them alone. Just me and the dark and my too many thoughts. I see a lot more nights of falling asleep to my tearrs rather than his voice. I know God is with me through these times and maybe He is even using them to call to me, but i still miss human companionship. *sigh*

I feel very accomplished tonight. I applied for jobs, looked at colleges, found financial and application forms to be printed out and mailed my official transcripts. Now to wait.

My color for my mood today would be blueish gray. I am the color of the sky before a rainstorm. Blah. I feel so sad tonight and i don't know why. i am just sad.