Ongoing.

Conversations between us lately.

Me: "I"m Done! This isn't fair and my faith is so small in this, it is close to becoming endangered."
Him: "You are going to need a lot more faith in this later so you better start keeping the faith now."

Me: "Why do i have to be the unselfish one?"
Him: "Because this is the first time in your life that you ever have been."


Me: "Why do i always get the short end of the stick?"
Him: "I got the stick with the nails in it."

Me: "Oh..."
Him: "Callie, why won't you just trust me?"

I have no reply. Why don't I? Why can't i trust my heart, emotions, and future to the One who spoke them into being before i was even considered? Why can't I trust the one who can see my beginning and end and holds it in His hand? Why is my faith becoming so small and my doubt growing more and more each day? I have no reply. I am guilty once again. At His feet. I am guilty.

Confessions After Midnight.

Had a great time last night. Patrick, Shelby, Katie, Gray, and Steven came over last night to swim. Everyone except Steven left before midnight, but we stayed out until around 3. We talked for hours, sharing funny stories from the past and swimming. I am pretty sure i had the wrinkled hands of a grandma once i got out 4 or 5 hours later. It was great! There is nothing like late times to make people willing to share themselves. It is like there is a secret door that opens after midnight that leads to everyone's stories and before midnight everyone is too self-conscious to open it. I absolutely love being given the priviledge to be welcomes into others pasts and memories.

The Color of Exasperation.

I want to write something badly. I have something creative bottled up in me, but i can't put it into words. There is some story or poetry or something in the making, but i just can't get it out. Exasperating.

Brown.

This visit has been nice, but like always i am ready to be home now. i miss my own cozy apartment. I will be glad to get back tomorrow.

Aqua.

I am in such a thoughtful mood tonight. I am busy categorizing all the thoughts in my head in neat, orderly columns. There is much to think about. I laugh now when i remember the time i hated the idea of being a beaver. Oh the joy of living order and neatness. Haha not that my head stays orderly for long. I will enjoy it while i can. Who knows what chaos will ensue tomorrow.

Purple.

I guess i will most likely be moving soon because i got off work at 9 and i have been furiously cleaning ever since. I don't live in a messy house, but i don't get in cleaning moods like this very often. I have already scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom and my closet is starting to look tempting. Hey i might as well pack too. Haha oh no. It is a good thing i live alone or i would be driving a roommate or husband crazy right now. Hmmm... i don't mind the idea of having a husband right now or driving him crazy... ;)

Some weird shade of green.

I have already written a lot tonight, but i am in a whiny mood right now. I will spare the details for other blogs, but i am just in a really annoyed mood at the moment. I think i might combust from all of this aggravation. How long? *sigh* Ignore me tonight. I am just looking for a place to rant.

Door Knockers.

I am in love with this apartment i keep going to look at. It has a red door with a door knocker :D How cute! Okay all shallowness aside it is a very nice apartment. It is twice as big as mine now and only cost about $20 more. It has a bigger kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom. It is more cost efficient and would be perfect i think for Bible study. So i am going to finish filling out the application today, discuss it with the group tonight and start making plans to move in the fall. Exciteddddd!

Just one more.

I will admit a weakness of mine..dresses. I love them. I love trying them on. I love wearing them. I went dress trying on today. I can't call it shopping because i didn't buy anything, but i tried on like a dozen, all of them purple except one haha Purple is my favorite color. There were two in particular that i loved. There was a floor length black one that was beautiful and a purple formal one. I loved them both so much i almost cried when i had to put them back. Haha what a lame-o. Anyway it was fun trying them on anyway and if anyone ever wants to buy me a gift well there are a few options. :D

Clear.

Choices, choices. My lease ends soon and i have to decide if i am going to say here or move to a different apartment. The safe side of me says stay and you wont have to fill out forms or pack up your stuff or..or...and the adventurous part of me says "GO FOR IT!!!" Honestly, i would love a little bigger place and ministry wise i am thinking if we potentially move Bible study from the church to a home i could use a bigger apartment for that. I am so unsure. I am getting edgy staying here in this apartment. I am craving some adventure right now and a new place seems like a good place to start. Any prayer from my friends is very wanted right now. I have so little time to decide and i want to make the choice that God is wanting, a choice that would be good for others and not just myself.

Gray.

I am all doubts right now. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe what i feel doesn't matter. Maybe it is time to move on to somewhere else. So God and i fight it out. Me trying to either run or slide back into my old shell and God calling me out on it. We go round and round. I can't stand the jealousy anymore. It is petty and pitiful and it is eating me alive, but no prayers or wishes or attempts to let it be make it go away. It follows me around constantly. It is destroying my friendships and it is going to eventually destroy me. I want to just leave. Just go somewhere else and let whatever happens here happen and then at least i wont be here to watch it. This blog is getting to personal so i will resume in another one.

The Dingiest Color.

Excuse me while i go throw up in another blog.