Color Me Faithful.

I have fallen so short lately. God must become my everything or else this move, this journey will be for nothing. My brother needs me. I. Must. Let. God. Satisfy. Me.

Color Me Blessed.

Church is pretty much always awesome lately. I don't know if it is because i go to church actually expecting God to show up now or if a lot more people are suddenly getting what it is all about, but i love it. We prayed for the kids today as schools are starting now and a new school year begins. As a church we have been spending a lot more times together on our knees praying for one another and lifting one another up. It is incredibly encouraging to go to church and not feel others look you up and down to see what you are wearing, but instead to get down on their knees and pray for you or get down in your dirt and pain and help you carry the burdens on your heart. Legit.

Color Me Obedient.

This is the time when obedience counts. The time for my leaving is near and i am starting to get cold feet. I have a hundred excuses running through my mind of why i should stay(cooking for bible study, youth group..) and how i am needed here. But then i remember, God doesn't need me. He uses me and loves me, but i am not needed. His plan will prevail with or without my obedience. And so i press on. I know the calling i have been given. I do not know all the reasons for Him asking me to leave my home and church family and best friends, but if He sees it as good, then it is more than good for me. My God is good ALL the time. I will trust and obey.

Color Me Passionate.

I have a burning in my heart that ignites the rest of me. I have a calling that i cannot stop from ringing in my ears daily. I have a purpose that i cannot shake. I have a Savior that i cannot keep away from. I am enamored by Him. I feel inadeqaute. I feel weak. I feel small. It only makes me see His Might and Glory and Holiness all the more. I feel like Jeremiah when he said he tried to hold in how he felt about God, but when he did it became a fire burning in his bones that he could not keep in. I have tried to ignore this passion, but i cannot. It is bursting out of me. I am His. Let this passionate journey continue on!

Color Me Aqua.

It has been raining for the past three days and i have seen just about every kind of rain there is. We have had mists, sprinkles, pouring, and flat out monsoons. It made me think of the different kinds of storms or seasons in my life lately.
Some have been like the misty rain. Soft, light, sweet. Those are the sweet times, the memories you hug to and let roll through your mind every so often, taking them out to relive them again for a moment.
Other days are like the steady, pouring rain. Those days are constant, not all good or all bad, just...there. They just are. They are the times we don't feel overly passionate or deeply depressed. We are steady.
And some days all full fledged monsoons. They have the roaring water, howling wind, lightening, thunder, hail.
Those days just crash down right in front of you and threaten to bring you down with them. You feel yourself growing weary from the constant blast of water and feel your knees weaken from the wind. Those storms are the toughest, but those storms are the character builders. They don't awe you with their beauty or calm you with their gentleness. They grow you. They strengthen you.
We may like the misty, rainy days better or the steady pour once in a while, but all of the storms are necessary. They each have a purpose and they fulfill theirs. We also have a purpose and God creates or allows storms in our lives of many kinds for many purposes. I may like the mist better or the sunshine the best, but if God who knows my beginning and end sees fit to give me the hard storms and thinks it is good, then I will see them as good. My daddy always knows best. He is always good.

Color Me Called.

Time is passing so quickly and before i know it i will be packing up my trusty little van and heading down to Savannah for my next mission. My emotions about this change, it seems every five minutes. I know that i am being called there. Every time i talk to my brother and hear the lostness in his voice that used to be in mine i am reminded that i have a purpose in going there. I see a little bit of myself in him and it makes me sad. It is the part of me i am grateful is gone because she was such a sad, bitter, angry girl in need of her savior. I find myself feeling desperate to be on my knees about my brother and his wife daily and time there is sweet despite the ache that squeezes my heart when i lift them up to my Daddy. Prayers for me friends please! Satan has been trying everything that he can think of to distract me, discourage me, or detour me. I must remember that i am on a mission. I must remember that when Jesus saved me i died to self. I must remember my brothers soul is worth eternally more than my comfort. I must.

Color Me Grateful.

I found this looking through an old Journal i have kept for years. It makes my heart ache to see how i was once so lost, but at the same time, all the more thankful for grace. No editing to this whatsoever.


May 25th 2010

I couldn't even begin to tell you when all of this started. It was so long ago. By all of this, i mean all of this self-hate. It is probably one of the strongest things i have ever felt and the most consuming. I make neat little lines hoping the bad will leak out, but it never does. It only makes me cry. I tried starving it out. It only makes me hungry. I tried fighting it out. It only makes me lonely. The fact that none of those things have worked hasn't stopped me from doing them. I try to give you(Jordan) everything you want so that maybe you will love me more, because maybe if i am loved it will balance the hate. But at the same time i push you away, partly because i need to know that someone loves me unconditionally, and partly because i know i don't deserve your love and i hate to give you a choice in staying or leaving. I am the outcast at work, made fun of and ignored at the same time. I am a piece that doesn't quite fit anywhere. I used to embrace my difference back when i was too ignorant to realize the loneliness that comes with it. I'm sorry for hurting you, for pushing you away. If you ever read this maybe you will understand why. I pick little fights with you so that you won't look too closely. I tell you things in anger that i feel about myself, not you. I would never hate you, or get tired of you, or be sick of you. But i feel all of those things about myself. You are so much more than i ever deserve. Maybe one day this will all stop. If it doesn't kill me first.


I was half a heartbeat away from Hell. He saved me. By Him, i mean Jesus the lover of my soul. He saved me. If my life isn't proof that He can save anyone, nothing is.