Color Me a Darker Shade Today

Most people will probably disagree with everything I will be saying, but this is my blog and I promised to write only truth in it. Everyone has been talking about the Elementary school shooting that happened yesterday. How 20 children and 6 adults were murdered for seemingly no purpose. The media has made almost a celebrity out of the killer who was really only a child himself at 20 years old. I don't think he should be seen in that light yet my heart aches for him. The children were all innocent and as someone who believes in eternity and heaven, I fully believe those little ones are safely in peace now. But, my heart cries to imagine the eternity of that young man who make such a heart breaking last choice for his life. I long to sit with him and listen to whatever was on his heart that eventually led to him ending his life by taking so many innocent ones. We, as humans, like to think of ourselves in a better light than we probably should. We like to say that we are decent people because although we might cheat in small ways such as by "small lies" or on our taxes since "it is really our money anyway" or since we don't literally kill people we only hate others who we deem deserve that hate then we are really pretty okay people. Well, we aren't. Because we don't get to determine our level of goodness. How could we? By what measure are we using? Does everyone get the same measurement? We, as fallen creatures are incapable of determining what we deserve. By God's standards of justice we completely fall short every time. We murder people in our hearts. We destroy covenants that we make. We lie if it helps us, cheat if it is to our advantage, are unloving with our words and our actions. And we find all of these things to be okay as long as we don't rape or murder. Those two things seem to be deemed the worst of the worst although even then we cannot seem to agree which is a bigger offense. To scar another's life or destroy it? And in which cases in murder okay? The murder of an unborn child? War? "Justified" murder to get revenge? I will never condone what this young man did, but my heart breaks for him and his family just the same as for the victims. We do not get to play judge or God with him. And until we learn to live as the one true judge Jesus did and learn to listen to what people have to say without biased condemnation, murders and tragedies like this will become the norm.

Color Me on the Move

Here is the moment I have been feeling expectantly in the air. The moment when this waiting time is finished and the call to the next mission has sounded. I so look forward to investing in Monika and Josh again. I look forward to finding ways to give our brave soldiers hope. Anticipation hangs in the air, but it is within reach now and I will grab ahold of it and start this new journey.

Color Me Balanced.

We like to think we know so much. And by we I mostly mean me. I tried so hard to make someone perfect for me because I wanted them to be. All that did was hurt us both. James doesn't have to be changed to be good for me, he just is. He is as patient, grounded, responsible, and serious as I am impatient, flighty, careless and playful. He balances all the extremes of me. I will be leaving in 2 short weeks to head back to Hinesville to serve that town with him. There is much hurt and loss there and about time for some healing.

Color Me Heartbeats.

Life is about to change hugely. I don't know how. Or when. Only that it will. Soon. Here goes.

Color Me Expectant.

Life is about to change again. I feel it all around me in the air. My entire being is tensed in waiting for big things to happen. Of course, I have no idea what they are, but come they will. I still feel as though I am in training here, so I have to remember to use my time here wisely. More to come.

Color Me Filled.

Even through this time of me having no idea why I am here, God is all good and providing. He has blessed me with an incredible church family, time with the Whitton's who are an amazingly loving and generous family, friendships, a job, and unbelievable joy. Proof that circumstances do not determine joy, rather, your depth of happiness in Christ does.

Color Me in Motion.

Life remains exciting these days. In about 3 weeks I will be headed back to the mountains. To what I don't know. It feels like I Just got here and here it is over. Life is as unknown as ever, but it sure is exciting.

Color Me Goodbye

Whew, today was a sad day. I have gotten so close to my Monima and Amyia. It ceushed me today goodbye to the Today and it is hard not knowing what environment they will be in. But Jesus sees all and I know He has this in his hands as well. I haven't experienced a goodbye this hard since leaving for here but I am thankful to have such a friendship that I miss them so.

Color Me Dizzy.

Life needs to slow down a second so that I can catch my breath. I feel like I am on the move 24/7 and I feel like my purpose is suffering because of it. I need to really sit down and decide which things in my life are most important and let the rest go, because the way I am going right now doesn't seem to be doing good for anyone and I, especially am getting worn down from it. Priorities.

Color Me Strong Willed.

Life has been hard pressing lately. Work is hard, tutoring is hard, life is busy, busy, busy, and never seems to slow down. I am exhausted and restless. Part of me wants to just go somewhere else, but I can't justify doing that. I feel like here is where I should be even though right now it isn't completely where I want to be. This is when standing strong and persevering counts. And so I press on.

Color Me Stationary.

I haven't made this public yet and things are always open to change, but I am almost positive I will be staying here a little longer. I will add details later but to keep it short, there is much ministry to be done here and the military now has a very special place in my heart.

Color Me At Home.

It is funny. I haven't been homesick for here in a while, but now after being back after a couple months I was surprised by the twinge of longing I felt to be back here. Daddy, speak and tell me where to go. My feet won't go a step without your word.

Color Me Adventurous.

My brother asked me today what I planned on doing in a couple months when he leaves and I realized how okay I am with that. In fact, I am very okay with it. God could send me anywhere or keep me right here. Life is so exciting living in the unknown. Even just knowing that I have no idea where I will be in the next couple months is so thrilling. Am I nervous? Yeah. Am I completely dependant on God's response to my questions? Absolutely. Am I in the dark about it all? You have no idea. This is living on the edge...of Eternity.

Color Me Satisfied.

I had such a heavy heart last night. So, I am determined I am not going home until I get this worked out. I go to Waffle House, which is my chill place and I am reading, drinking coffee, and listening to music. I sit there writing little notes on my iPod about how I am feeling and such and feeling sadder by the minute. It was strange because everyone feels sad sometimes but this sadness was heavy and I couldn't really place why I felt sad. And finally, as I am feeling overwhelmed, I stop and ask God "This is too heavy. Will you carry this too?" To which He replies, "If you unclench your fist and lay it down." I was a bit stunned to say the least. I had been so busy asking God to take it away that I had no idea I was grasping it like the last flotation device in an open sea. And I wonder how often we probably do that. God can't carry what you won't lay down or let go of. I felt much lighter after we talked.

Color Me Maturing.

It is a strange thing to see yourself grow up. Usually it is something that happens and months or even years later you see how you have changed, but lately I have been almost watching myself grow up in many ways. Situations and circumstances that would have stressed me out before no longer do and I no longer need or even desire to control things. Life changes very quickly and I have to keep my focus on Jesus lest I swerve and miss a turn. I think this year, more than anything else I have the goodness of God in everything. He doesn't need my life to be simple or easy or pain free to be a good God. He is always good. Life is good.

Color Me In Progress.

I am slowly learning the art of investing in others. I have made so many friendships and work relationships here and I have very overwhelmed trying to sort them all out, but I am improving. I have co-workers, youth, and friends who all need the Gospel. What a privaledge to be given such an honor as sharing it by living life together.

Color Me Following.

How come there are so many churches and so many "followers of Jesus", yet still so many people trying to lead their own lives. What part of follower confuses us or do we just like the way it sounds?

Color Me Forgetful.

Why is it so easy to forget our great need for our great God? It is all too easy to slide into life and try to leave the creator of it out of it. I have been feeling so restless lately and today I realized I am not restless because of boredom, but because my soul has no peace apart from that which comes from God. Time with Him was so sweet today. Just me and God at Waffle House. He showed me so much today and my heart was strengthened. Oh daddy, don't let me forget my need to spend time with You.

Color Me Unsure.

Time is ticking by here and I have been praying about where I am going to go in May when my brother leaves for training. I had been a little hesitant to leave here because I finally have a job that I love, a new church family to grow with and some really great friendships. But lately, I have starting to get a taste for home. It started as a twinge of homesickness for the mountains, and that grew into a loneliness for my friends, which grew into a longing for my kids and for home in general. I don't want to be anywhere that is not in the will of God, but I am not quite sure yet where that is.

Color Me Courageous.

I noticed today how often we are told in the Bible to have great courage and not to lose heart. Why would we be told this unless we will be facing very difficult times that require great courage and not losing heart? So, why are we surprised and discouraged by these hard times? What else would we need great courage for?

Color Me :D

Has life ever been more exciting in all its monotony? I don't think so. Life ticks on with a kind of steady rhythm. But yet, it remains exciting. I am in the center of His will and that is exactly where I want to be. I have the incredible opportunity to serve others every day at my job, absorb two, completely different cultures, and continue to invest in the lives of youth. God is beyond good.

Color Me Ready.

No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Corinthians 9:27


This has become my life verse lately or at least the verse most relevant to me. Sin is all around and determined to have me, but I remain even more determined that it will not.

Color Me Explored!

Today was SO much fun! I have been feeling very restless lately and finally I just had to do something about it. I decided to take off towards Savannah and see what I could get into without destroying property or getting chased by the cops. I ended up trying on dresses in two malls, eating Chickfila TWICE, finding a cute waterfall, losing my car twice in two different parking lots and ending the day seeing a gorgeous sunset. It was perfect and just what I needed :)

Color Me Heavy Hearted.

So many of my little heartbeats as I call them are wrapped up in wanting to be in relationships. And relationships are not bad, but they must first passionately pursue their relationship with the Creator of their hearts before they can give authentic love to another. How I long to help them see that. Jesus. Loves. Them. Passionately.

Color Me Bland.

Maybe it is because Heath is into health and such or maybe it is just one of those random moments where I decided to do something crazy, but I have decided no sugar for a week. So, I am sitting here sipping my black, no sugar in any form added coffee and wondering how long it will take for the sugar withdrawals to happen. Okay, so I am just being dramatic. But here it goes. One week, sugar free.

Color Me Surprised.

Last night was the hands down best New Years I have ever had. The entire night was a mystery as I,(someone who hates not knowing things) was forbidden to know what the night was going to hold. The entire night was played out without me knowing ahead of time what was going to happen next. Long car rides, dinner, walks on the beach and bringing in the New Year with a smile and a promise to make it count. I say we nailed it.