I wanted to write this in my year of thanks blog but decided to write it here incase something really awesome happened at work tonight since i feel like it might. So, i was feeling all crappy, all poor me today. And then i watched this blog video posted by Mark Hall about the book of James and the early church and our purpose on earth today and that totally changed my perspective for today. So thank you Mark Hall for the call out.

My feelings are hurt. I feel so unimportant to him. Like i could move away tonight and his life would go on the same as if i was here. Like i wouldn't be missed at all. I am not asking for much. He treats every other girl like he is their knight in shinning armour. Last night he walked Jenny over to my car, opened her door for her(which he never did for me), gave her a big hug and then leaned over and gave me a half side hug and walked off. That hurt. Like Jenny is a princess and i am nothing. Like i didn't even matter. I wanted kick something or maybe him. I hate that i let him hurt my feelings so much especially with little things. I hate that he even can hurt my feelings. I wish he didn't even matter to him. I wish i didn't like him at all. But depspite how much i want to tell him to shove off and never even call me again or kick him or call him the worst things i can think of i can't because despite everything i love him deeply in the truest sense of the word. And i really do want the best for him. And i want him to be happy. I just wish i wasn't the only one putting anything into this so called friendship. Because we aren't friends really. We are people who tolerate each others presence and who occassionally can even manage to be nice. He calls me late at night to just fall asleep. Which used to be cute. But now makes me feel like i am being used. It was cute when he did that after we talked, but we never talk anymore. He calls at all hours of the night and morning with no interest in telling me about his day or hearing about mine. We never talk at all anymore, he just wants to fall asleep. He says he likes to see me but when i do show up places he is at or see him at church i am practically invisible to him. He is just as happy to run off to talk to Maci or Paul. He never sits down and talks to me. I could move tonight and it would take him days to figure out i wasn't here. So here i go again being the repsonsible one. Working hard. Paying bills. Letting him call at ridiculous times just to fall asleep while i lay there lonely. I am seriously thinking about moving. I have nothing holding me here anyway. I talked to Traci last night about moving to Florida to live near Her and Mark. Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe we need some real space to sort things out. I am going to look into it. I have been wanting to go back to school. Maybe this is my opportunity. Until then i am going to have to ask God to take away some more of this bitterness and pride and pray for him. It is all i can do. And probably the best thing. Because depsite this very angry blog i Love him beyind my ability to understand. And Love is not angry or bitter. Love is 1 Corinthians. That is my goal.

I am at a standstill right now. And for a person as fidgity as me this is unbearably painful. I want to be running, jumping, diving into life and i feel as restrained as a child in crib. Is this really where he wants me? If it is i want to obey and be content, but i have so many longings. I have so much pent up energy and desires and..and.. ughh this stillness is driving me crazy. There has to be more. I have two longings right now: to be married and to go back to school. And neither seem possible right now. Especially number 1. And they really go hand in hand because i cannot imagine going back to school and living in a dorm after living on my own for so long. I can see such a perfect little life: Being married, living in a cozy little apartment and going to school, with a nice little job on the side. I am sure God is laughing right now at this perfectly safe, perfectly boring little fantasy. But well if i can't have it(which could be a good thing) at least i can rant about it here. So, there is my fantasy God. I need to hand it over to you and maybe you will make it somehow come true or maybe you will shake it all up and turn my world upside down again or maybe you will change my desires all together. But, regardless i needed to give this to you before my desires weighed me down and made me worthless for you. So, there they are. You are God whether you give or take away. I am here. I am waiting. I am listening.

The weather lately has been unbelievable. There have been only two words to describe it lately: Glorious and Lovely. Lovely is such a beautiful word. Which describes the weather perfectly lately because it is so beautiful. It is February and the days are long, bright, sunny, with a gentle breeze every day. Also i don't know what is up with God lately, but he reminds me of a kid at Christmas time with his sunrises lately. Each day they grow more beautiful and give me desire to wake up to see them. Maybe he knows i had a discouraging week with having to wake up early so many days and he wanted to surprise me with a little extra Love. Isn't he incredible? Loving this weather Loving Him more.

I feel like i am standing on my tiptoes. Life is precariously balanced right now. I am in the in between. The moment right before something happens. The air is crackling with excitement. My whole body tingles with anticipation. The story i wrote called "Free Falling" is completely applicable right now. I am about to implode with longing. God is tantilizing me right now with the possible. I am still unsure of where exactly he is leading me, but with Him right beside me holding my hand who cares as long as he never leaves? Sorry to use so many words and make so little sense. But I had to write this down.

Since i am trying to be grateful in my other blog this one tends to seem more negative, but i am human and i do have feelings. So i am growing, but i need somewhere to be honest about my feelings in the mean time. So, this sucks. This growing. This hurt. This feeling of betrayel. I miss him. I love him. But i would also like to hit him over the head with a ton of bricks right now for painting me the most beautiful fairy tale of a future and then taking it all back. I want to kick a wall. I want to cry and be hurt. But i am tired of being hurt. I want to grow, but i am still selfish enough not to want it at this price. So God i am trying, i really am. I know i'm not the fastest learner and my pride doesn't help, but i am trying. I love you. And i am working on the trust no matter what part. So, he says absolutely not about us ever. I say i'm sticking with you because i love you and want to share in ministry with you. One of us is wrong. Help me to be humble if it is me Lord and Humble if it is not. He is in your hands.

Feeling in need of some love tonight again. It is incredible how in need of affection i have become since Jordan and i aren't together. I love still talking to him every night and he is always sure to give me a hug at least once every time i see him, but... i miss the rest. I miss kisses. I never thought i would, but then again i never thought i wouldn't have them. What i wouldn't give for even the shortest kiss. Even if it was mostly platonic. I miss him kissing me. I miss him holding me. I miss feeling safe and cherished and protected. I miss cuddling while watching movies. I miss. Him. Us. I miss.

So the bookstore is turning into an even bigger blessing than i originally thought. It has become more than a peaceful hideaway or stress reliever. I am starting to become friends with the employees. Of course friends is a bit of an overstatement at the moment because we are only just learning each others names, but still i am making progress. The really funny thing is how the 3 that i have been getting to know approached me. They each approached me individually and on 3 seperate days but they introduced themselves the almost EXACT same way. They all said "Hi, we see you here all of the time and we have been calling you Christian fiction girl what is your real name?" haha each time i have to work really hard not to laugh at their introduction because they all say the same thing. Their names are Shawn(Sean?), Jason, and Sandra and i like them all a lot. I am excited at the possibility of becoming friends with them. The bookstore opening is beginning to seem to me more than random. I am feeling a very distinct purpose for it openeing and me being drawn to it so much and maybe it is these 3 people. I am looking forward to seeing God's plan in this. He sure does have a sense of humor. I love how they asked about my name.

So God keeps showing up around every corner i turn. In unexpected places. In strangers. In dreams. Life is one big question mark for me right now, but for the first time i see the unbelievable awesomeness of that. A question mark means SURPRISES. I LOVE surprises! I can be anything. Go anywhere. I am standing on top of the mountain right now and the only thing i am trying to figure out is whether he wants me to climb another mountain or cliff dive off into some place else. Seriously the possibilities right now are endless. I have huge dreams in my heart. I only need to figure them out. Sort them out. Pray them out. Which means spending more time with my dream giver. I have no idea where i am headed but i know i am headed somewhere. Which means i am not stuck in place. Which means adventure time!

This has been an awesome weekend with the family. I am heading back home tonight which in a way will be nice because i miss my little apartment with his quietness and my church and friends. But it is nice to be somewhere different every and then. Too much familiarity can be stunting to growth i think. We need to push ourselves so that we can reach our full potential. So i am headed back. I feel God has big plans in store for me soon. I sense changes in the air. So i am preparing myself. But i am leaving my love of control out of it. I don't want that stunting my growth either.

Oh Daddy, I miss him so much. I long so much to be married. To be his wife. To take care of him and work side by side with him. It has been on my mind more and more lately which only confuses me more since we aren't together right now. He seems to content being like this. Why is he content but my soul is troubled? I want to be content too Daddy. I want to be able to act normal around him and treat him nicely. I want to be his best friend and not feel weird around him. It seems so easy for him. Why is it so hard for me? I am trying so hard to let it go. To trust you. To stay out of the way of your plans. Please Daddy overwhelm my heart with Agape love for him. Please Daddy make me content in this circumstance. I want to do anything to please you. Being sad can't please you. I need you more than yesterday Daddy even though yesterday i needed you more than i have ever before, today i need you more than that. Please, please, Daddy give me more strenth. Help me to worship you even through this. Especially through this.