Had a wonderful little mini adventure today. Tonight after leaving the mall around 6:30 i was bored to tears and didn't want to go home. So, after calling people to hang out and receiving no replies i decided no companionship was needed to have an adventure. I skipped off to Fort O for the evening where i went shopping, tried on a very pretty dress, bought 3 cute shirts, prices a laptop and got lost for about 15 minutes before heading back home. Tonight was awesome! Oh yeah and i talked to my peaches the way so we kinda shared the adventure a little.

So much to think about. I am sure of him. And because of that sureness i am going to let that part of my life be. I am going to pray for him everyday. I am going to Agape love him. I am going to be supportive and encouraging and loving. I am going to learn to be the best friend in the world to him. And that is all. There is a reason we are not in together right now and i am far from understanding that reason or liking it, but it is there nonetheless and i will not waste this time in anger and bitterness. God has a plan for me. Now that i have time and zero distractions i need to be seeking what that is. And maybe that means coming home from work everyday and immediently falling on my face and begging him to show me his plans for me. Maybe that means reading His love letter to me cover to cover until i have it memorized and hidden in my heart. Maybe that means when the day turns out bad or i am low on strength instead of crying myself to sleep i fall asleep praising him for being counted worthy of another day. I have no idea what is in the future. But this i know: He is already there ahead of me, working things out, and He is also here with me right now, preparing me for what is ahead. With all of this trouble and hurt and pain it must be something great coming! I can't wait!

So, i miss him. I am okay with things more now. I still wish we were together. All of this was such a shock to me. But i have complete comfort in the fact that it is not a shock to you God. And i have even more comfort in the knowledge that you already know how all of this is going to turn out. So, i am trusting you. You know my desires Lord. You know how deeply i love him. I only pray that you grow that love for him if he the one you have chosen for me. No matter how long he remains unsure or how little that love is returned. And if i am wrong and he is not for me i pray that you remove all feelings for him except the growing love of friendship. Please, God answer my prayer by confirming these things for me so that i can obey you. I don't want to hold on to someone that is not mine, neither do i want to let go of someone that you have chosen for me. I love you Lord and i am trusting you completely even in this time of blindness where i have absolutely no idea where you want me to be, who to be with, or what to be doing. Reveal yourself to us both Lord confirming your plans for us by your word, through prayer and through others Lord.

I could say it in a thousand different ways. With a hundred different ways. Different sentense structure. Different mood. But when it comes down to it, I am sad. I miss you. I miss us. I miss. And i am sad that i miss and you don't. I am glad one of us in happy. At least that way all this sadness seems worth it.

feeling sad tonight. This whatever we are time right now is hard. It's hard being here. Not together. Not not together. The feelings are still there. The attraction is still there. But the relationship isn't. Lord, i don't understand. He is so sure we don't belong together. I am so sure we do. If i am wrong. If these feelings aren't from you then take them. I don't want them. But if they are Lord and you are asking me to wait then show me some sign Lord that i am supposed to be waiting and not supposed to be letting go. You are more than enough for me, now and always. I don't want to hold on to a guy that is not meant for me. I am more than willing to wait as long as you ask and as long as he needs me to wait for him if you want us together. All i am asking for is complete confirmation. To both of us, even if the time is wrong and friends is best for us right now. I am asking in complete faith for your confirmation so that i can obey you Lord. Make it obvious. Make it undeniable. Make it mutual. I am expecting.I am waiting. I love you.

reading some ggod scripture tonight. I have been super frustrated with my job lately. It seems the non-believers get away with everything and get everything. I was reading psalms and found this: "Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Bestill befire the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when mean succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret---it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land." Psalm 37:1-9.

Spend the evening at the bookstore. This is fast becoming an almost nightly ritual but i can't seem to break it. Their Christian/Religious section is AMAZING and i can't soak in enough. I take short notes and questions on my phone and use them for later research and torture for Paul who is becoming my Bible teacher along with his pastorly duties. The Bible is unbelievably fascinating and i want to learn everything. And not just the Bible, i have also been brushing up on cults and other religions and although they didn't win my heart like Christ they are interesting to study. How else are we ever to share our beliefs if we don't even make an effort to learn about others? No wonder we come across as selfish and self-centered to non-believers. Anyway just wanted to share this. I have also been addicted to writing lately. More than usual. I guess it is because i had more free time since Jordan and i are no longer a couple. It is still weird to even write that. It feels so surreal to me. Like a bad aftertaste. It is hard to accept i guess because my feelings haven't changed a bit, but regardless my feelings are unimportant at the moment. I want his to be the only ones that matter. Because if mine are valid as I believe then mine truly don't matter right now. His concerns and need for space is the only thing that matters. I am learning the harder side of Agape or 1 Corinthians love. Love that remains unconditional regardless of whether it is returned. This i think is the truest form of love because it must become completely unselfish. Interesting thoughts.

It's been a long past few days. My emotions have changed more than my thoughts and that is pretty incredible if you know me. But i know i can't keep doing this. I have gone through them all now: Hurt, fear, anger, frustration, brokeness, pity, disgust, apathy,... they go on and on. And after all of them have taken their toll on me you know what i am still here, still standing. My heart is bruised but not broken.



"Daddy you know the deepest desires of my heart. You know my secret longings. You know my passions and hopes and dreams. And fortunately for me you also know not only past and present, but also my future. I know you have already ordained all of my days and i will now accept that as enough. You are more than enough for me. So, this incredible, wonderful, compassionate man of God is yours. I know he is anyway, but i have been selfishly holding him to me and i wont do that anymore. I want to give him back to you where he rightfully belongs. Not that i wont cry anymore or that my heart wont hurt anymore or that i still wont miss what we were. But he is yours. And i would consider it the greatest blessing if you choose to ever give him to me as a partner in life and in ministry, but that is your choice. I wont make choices for you anymore. I love you daddy. I have been hateful and selfish and i don't want to be anymore. You are my everything. Please let him desire the same. I am here. I am listening. I am willing. I am your. Forever <3

black.

He wants to know why i wont be coming to anything for a while. Honestly i just can't deal with the questions. We weren't a 6 month couple. We were together for almost 3 years. 3 years of history and friendships and people seeing us together. And now we are not. I just know his family will be talking about this. And our friends. And i know it shouldn't matter. But it does. Because i found out that almost every single thing he ever told me was a lie. A boy lying? go figure. I guess i thought he was different. I guess i was wrong again. To bad my heart still doesn't agree with that. To bad i still feel sure. I wish i didn't even like him let alone still want to spend forever with him. Where is the justice?

She is stuck between two voices

as they argue in her mind.

Both offer comfort

Only one is selling lies.

She listens to both their cases

as they present them to her to decide.

One old and familiar, whispers

old and familiar lies.

Lies she knows they are

but a part of her still believes every one she hears.

Lies can seem like truth

when compared to pain and fear.

There still is yet another voice

that needs no flashy speech.

That other voice only holds out a hand

giving her space while still in reach.

And now the time has come

and she must choose

which voice

to hear

she closes her eyes

and quiets her heart

listening for one voice

to become more clear.

.

The Darkest shade of gray.

Sad. Sad. Sad. The saddest i have ever been in my life. He wants space. For the first time in almost 3 years we are not together. I think my heart just broke a little more. God why? Why do you place this sureness for him in my heart that never fades let alone leaves and let him feel such uncertainty? Why?

So i just bought my turtle Malcolm some fish thinking he would like a fun snack, however he has been racing wildly around his tank screeching his claws against the glass instead. Maybe should have just bought a couple fish instead of like a dozen? haha poor thing...

So, i have started a website. It is called Machaseh which means "safe place". Not sure how it is going to turn out. It is easier starting a website than it is promoting one. It needs a lot of work, but who knows? It could turn out to be awesome! I will post updates as i improve it.

So much on my mind. I was thinking about how i like to write and how it is the only thing i feel that i am really good at. And that got me to thinking about how i like to blog and that got me to thinking about how people seem to read what i write and then i started thinking about how a lot of other people have started blogging lately. And that got me to thinking that if i like to write and i am good at writing and people read what i write and other people write because we all need to be heard how can i use this talent for others? And that is about all i have right now. It would be awesome i think to start a positive blog/website where people can come to feel safe and encouraged. No negative feedback or comments. But how in the world doi start something like that? I am pretty dumb when it comes to the internet.


I am going to do a little research and see what i can learn.

I know i already posted a blog today but apparently all the sleep i got today was too much for my body that is used to running off of almost nothing. And the result: Hyperrrrr :D XD :3


Wow now i know why i don't let myself sleep so much. The world's rest depends on it. Haha. Anyway i was think about weird things that i like. And since not many people read this i feel safe in posting them. And on the occassion that someone i know does read this, well, everyone knows i'm weird anyway :D


1. I love playing dress up. I go through my closet all of the time trying on things for fun.
2. I love wearing very little. I'm not a nudist so nobody freak out. But i was thinking today about how if i lived secluded i could have ran around outside today in just a bathing suit and some rain boots and had a great time :D I am so glad i live alone lol There is just something about bare skin that is incredibly comfortable. Not to mention attractive.
3.

Okay so apparently i was only thinking of those two things. If i think of more i will post them. Anyway, that's i wanted to share. Don't hate me for being a weirdo.

1111

I love this day. It is 1111. That means i can make wishes all day :D Wow i am such a kid. Not too mentions a dorky kid. Haha. Anyway this has got to be the most expectly awesome year. I am burning with excitement to see what God does this year. The last two years have been incredible.

2009-Saved
2010-grew through suffering
2011-???

I feel like turning cartwheels or something. Maybe it is because u slept for like 5 hours today. There goes any chance of sleep tonight. Anyway today was great. I got off work wayyyy early. Had a long bath, a much longer nap, and woke craving some sweet tea. So i go outside and find the most beautiful rain. A light, mistly drizzle that tickles my skin and made me giggle hopelessly. There was no stopping me from making a total fool of myself in public by running and jumping in puddles and giggling uncontrollably. God is such a daddy who loves to give gifts to his children including rain puddles to jump in. So thank you daddy :)

I will stop rambling now. Night world.