Color Me Grateful.

I found this looking through an old Journal i have kept for years. It makes my heart ache to see how i was once so lost, but at the same time, all the more thankful for grace. No editing to this whatsoever.


May 25th 2010

I couldn't even begin to tell you when all of this started. It was so long ago. By all of this, i mean all of this self-hate. It is probably one of the strongest things i have ever felt and the most consuming. I make neat little lines hoping the bad will leak out, but it never does. It only makes me cry. I tried starving it out. It only makes me hungry. I tried fighting it out. It only makes me lonely. The fact that none of those things have worked hasn't stopped me from doing them. I try to give you(Jordan) everything you want so that maybe you will love me more, because maybe if i am loved it will balance the hate. But at the same time i push you away, partly because i need to know that someone loves me unconditionally, and partly because i know i don't deserve your love and i hate to give you a choice in staying or leaving. I am the outcast at work, made fun of and ignored at the same time. I am a piece that doesn't quite fit anywhere. I used to embrace my difference back when i was too ignorant to realize the loneliness that comes with it. I'm sorry for hurting you, for pushing you away. If you ever read this maybe you will understand why. I pick little fights with you so that you won't look too closely. I tell you things in anger that i feel about myself, not you. I would never hate you, or get tired of you, or be sick of you. But i feel all of those things about myself. You are so much more than i ever deserve. Maybe one day this will all stop. If it doesn't kill me first.


I was half a heartbeat away from Hell. He saved me. By Him, i mean Jesus the lover of my soul. He saved me. If my life isn't proof that He can save anyone, nothing is.